Sideswipe

Warning from somewhere in Kansas.

Tales from the other side of the counter. What a reader has witnessed over the years working at a bookstore.

1. "Have you got a book called The History of Penguins by Michael King?"

2. "I'm looking for a book called Captain Corelli's Mandarin."

3. "Do you sell hammers?" (Yes, asked at a bookstore.)

4. "I'm looking for a new book by Jane Austen. It's about her book club." (The book is called The Jane Austen Book Club.)

5. "I saw a book in here the other day. It was blue and published by HarperCollins." (As it turned out, it was grey and published by Random House.)

6. "It's a new novel by Tarzan Presley." (The long-lost son of Elvis?)

7. After bringing several dozen books to the counter, a customer asked the sales clerk not to scan the books, but rather to type them in manually. Why? Because the vibrations from the scanner hurt the customer's ears.

8. Asking for a new book by Stephen King, "something to do with New Zealand".

9. Calling a bookstore and then asking the sales clerk, "Do you sell books?"

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Traffic cop's dry humour: On a return trip from Rotorua, John was stopped in Matamata for speeding. His excuse? "I was playing I-Spy with the kids." The officer replied: "Pity you didn't spy T for traffic cop." Ha ha!

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While working in Queen St on Sunday, a reader observed two Auckland City Ambassadors standing and pointing at a dumping of hail on the footpath while they seemed to be calling for backup on their walkie-talkies. About five minutes later, an Auckland Crew member appeared to clean up a supposed safety hazard, only to find a patch of hail the size of an A4 piece of paper, and already partly trodden-on.

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A 10-year-old Auckland girl trying to get her exhausted mother up early one morning failed in all her ruses until divine inspiration struck and she came up with the ultimate threat. "I'll go and watch Brian Tamaki on television," she declared. Alarmed mother finally managed to rise from the bed to make her pancakes.

* * *

Michael Murphy's next attempt at a post-Idol hit is called Music Without A Song, that title prompting this response from the rock-snobs of the TimeOut department: "If you are going to have tracks with witheringly accurate names like that, we're out of a job. Leave the music reviewing to us, Michael. We have families to feed."