Sideswipe

Inappropriate carry-on luggage.

An Auckland bus driver writes: "One night I pulled up to the bus stop and two young women got on, and asked for 'city'. So I charged them the full adult fare into the city, which was $3.60. There was no protest and the pair got off in the city. The next night at the same stop I was greeted by an older woman - the mother of one of the young pair, who wanted to give me a stern talking-to. I listened while she told me I was completely wrong to charge her 15-year-old daughter full fare. 'Can't you see she looks 15?' she yelled. My reply was this ... 'Well, ma'am, last night when I was pulling up, she had a can of beer in her hand, she was smoking a cigarette, she was showing enough cleavage and she was wearing enough make-up that I figured she must have been at least 25.' The young woman's complexion went a deathly white, and the mother's from red to purple. So you can see where the problem is. Had a supervisor boarded my bus and I had charged this young lady a child's fare, I could have lost my job."

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Claire Sorrenson of Devonport writes: "My aunt, who teaches English in Damascus, Syria, sent me this list of ESOL student errors:

1. We curried all of our food into the national park.

2. A computer programme can fix my spilling.

3. I lick my dog.

4. I don't like testes.

5. My boyfriend hurt my fillings.

6. We must save the animals from distinction.

7. I arouse myself every morning.

8. Thank you from the button of my heart.

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Spongebob SquarePants, the wacky cartoon character who sparked a gay alert warning by United States conservative Christian groups, is neither gay nor straight. He is asexual, says his creator, Stephen Hillenburg. Christian activist groups said the hugely popular cartoon character and his best mate, Patrick Starfish, are being exploited to promote the acceptance of homosexuality. The US media ran with this after finding the show merchandise was popular with gays. Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie and Teletubbies have been cast into a similar sexual controversy - Bert and Ernie for sharing a room and Tinky Winky was singled out for his purple colour and a triangular antenna on his head, both symbolising gay pride.

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Who is sadder - washed-up celebs trying to make a buck, or the twits who think paying Nik Kershaw to be a dinner guest and play charades will impress their friends and make their party go off? Supper With The Stars describes itself as "an exciting new service to make your party sparkle with an elusive touch of Hollywood glamour ... All your guests have arrived, now imagine their surprise when a top TV personality walks in and joins the party! After their jaws have stopped dropping in amazement, your guests will be enchanted by anecdotes and the wit and charm only a professional entertainer can bring." Costs range from 300 ($795) to 5000 for a celebrity to join your dinner party. The stars will specify if they will perform or just talk about their careers at length, if they're willing to play after dinner party games, and if they eat meat or have any deadly nut allergies. Stars include ex-soap actors, one-hit-wonders and ancient cruiseline comedians. (Source: supperwiththestars.co.uk)