Sideswipe

Well held: Women's ultimate kitchen accessory.

Nutters Linda and Gerald Polley from Dakota claim that John Lennon ( right) writes songs through them from the afterlife - hokey, rinky-dinky songs such as We Love You Michael (proclaiming Michael Jackson's innocence) and Hussein's Butt Song ("We kicked his butt before and we kicked his butt again / We got him in the heinie, he knew he could not win") ... which sounds just like Lennon's lyric style. Unfortunately, Yoko won't allow them to release an album, so most of their songs are unrecorded, though many lyrics are available on their website spiritist.tripod.com.

* * *

Winston's next angle? Russian politician Vladimir Zhirinovsky wants to impose huge penalties on any woman who chooses a foreign husband over a Russian one because the practice is robbing the country's gene pool of its greatest resource. A member of his party, Liberal Democratic Party of Russia (LDPR), explains their bid for the loser male vote: "Our wonderful women are the best in the world ... Wherever I have been, I have rarely seen beautiful girls, only in Russia and some other Slav nations." The LDPR believes the large number of women taking foreign spouses is a threat to national security that will taint "the purity of the Russian race". Punishment for such female "traitors" include: Stripping them of their Russian citizenship, deporting them to the country of their new husband and never allowing them to return and automatically distributing any assets among their relatives or giving them to the state.(Source: The Independent)

* * *

Time for a trip home for this self-described "dedicated Yorkshireman turned Kiwi"? He writes: "In your column on Friday you lead off with a story about rugby which states the touring rugby side is a British and Irish Lions team and the Union Jack does not represent the Republic of Ireland. I will not even crack a joke about the Irish, they are too numerous to mention, but if it is the British and Irish Lions tour, why, oh tell me why, are there Scots and Welsh players in the touring side?"

* * *

Humphrey Walters, the bloke who's in charge of revving-up the Lions into an All Black-beating frenzy, explains in the Observer the psychological artillery he used: First, instead of the All Blacks, our team was referred to only as the New Zealanders. Walters explains, "We didn't want to enhance their brand's strength. I encouraged them instead to regard the opposition as being the representatives of two small islands with a population the size of Birmingham".

* * *

Michael Jackson is already contemplating a comeback by performing at Live 8 in Philadelphia or London, reports South London Press. The July 2 event's promoter, Harvey Goldsmith, interviewed on UK's Capital FM radio, said he would consider adding Jackson to the line-up. "Whether it's appropriate or not is another issue," he said. "Whether he's in a fit state to work is another issue. Whether he can work is another issue and whether he can work live is another issue."