Rosslyn Abernethy: Having it all inevitably exacts toll

One only has to open a women's magazine to be bombarded with images of the modern consummate woman.

She has it all. She is beautiful, professionally successful, relationship-satisfied and the mother of picturesque children.

But as Linda Clark has recently suggested in the Listener, this expectation may be unrealistic and unhelpful.

Can a woman really have it all? Does the pursuit of such come at the expense of sanity?

And, what is most important?

These questions haunt me as I come to my final year of study.

In entering a competitive career in law, I get the sense my child-bearing capacity may be seen as a professional disability. I may be unlikely to make partner, because statistics show that if I put my family first I will never surpass my male colleagues.

If I take time out to raise my children, I am likely to re-enter the workforce at a lower level, or else have my children in full-time care while I continue full-time work. Neither option appeals.

I am so grateful that I was born into a generation where a woman has the opportunity to follow her dreams.

In many ways I am grateful for the feminist movement that threw off the shackles of the kitchen apron, and established the beginnings of equality and status for women in the workplace.

And yet despite this, so many of my mother's generation seem to have remained unsatisfied and downright worn out.

Perhaps the largest shame in our social pursuit of "equality" is that little attention has been given to what it means to be a successful parent.

Years of social policies and behaviours have begun to erode family structures; encouraging autonomy and financial independence while at the same time placing less worth on committed relationships.

With so little social support available to vulnerable mothers, it is little wonder why each is pushed to be self-sufficient and independent.

Staring down the barrel of failed relationships and social abuse, can anyone be blamed for being wary of financial interdependence and shared responsibility?

In a world where people are valued for what they can do rather than for who they are, parenting is slowly being replaced by daycare and nannies.

For those parents who want to spend their time with their children, financial pressures make it nearly impossible for a family to survive on just one income.

And at the receiving end of all of this is the woman who is trying to succeed professionally, raise her children, and hold together her household.

The pendulum seems to be swinging back somewhat in the wake of the feminist movement, with society no longer viewing families as oppressive but rather moving towards an increased recognition of the importance of investing in the next generation.

Society will be strengthened when families are given the opportunity to impart their own personal values to their children, rather than having them imposed by external imperatives such as social policies, changing norms, and education practices.

Rather than having the government financially compensating parents for having children, it is time that our work structures reflected the fact that family is the very core of our society, and that all will benefit when our children are raised properly.

Replacing the current demands on women with a more balanced perception of what it means to succeed will enable them to more reasonably prioritise work and family, and reclaim some sanity.

When we value parenting then we value relationships, and these form the foundation of a well-functioning society.

The notion of the consummate woman needs to be put to rest.

She is tired, her kids are screaming in the other room, and she has deadlines coming out of her ears.

Perhaps a woman can't have it all. Or perhaps she can. The difference really lies in what we see as success.

* Rosslyn Abernethy is 21 and entering her final year at Auckland University, finishing BA/LLB studies.