Jim Hopkins: What would the Greens be without faggers and fatties?

Police give children McDonald's vouchers.
- news item

There was a shocked silence in the Court of Proper Opinion. "Order," bellowed the judge, pounding his gavel on the head of a Sensible Sentencing Trust member.
"Is this true, Sergeant Sundae?" the judge roared, glaring at the wretch in the dock. "Did you commit this heinous act of burgerphilia?"

"Errrr, yes, your dietary honour," (gasps of horror) mumbled the hapless rozzer, "but with the best of intentions." (Cries of "shame" and "fatist pig" from the gallery as tofu salads and premasticated chunks of lentil quiche are hurled at the quivering copper.)

"Let me explain," spluttered the sergeant, consulting his trusty notebook, " ... Ummm ... I was proceeding in a westerly direction at a lawful speed consistent with all statutory limits when I observed an informalated grouping of juvenile persons undertaking an OSH-approved act of public philanthropy, namely, the helping of an old lady across the street.

"Admittedly, she didn't want to go but they were renderising assistance nonetheless so I immediately and prudently halted the forward carriage of my vehicle and exited leapfully, flourishing grateful vouchers of an appreciative nature in my non-truncheon hand ... "

(At which point, the case is adjourned. Several horrified vegetarians require medical attention after drinking weed killer and two animal rights activists are trampled underfoot while attempting to "liberate" beef cattle in the courtroom.)

Such outrage is entirely understandable. It will not surprise you to learn that Proper Opinion is outraged by the police action. They're certainly not happy down at the Ministry of True Enlightenment.

Indeed, the only person less happy is the ever-vigilant Sue Kedgley, whose impersonation of a dotty English dowager obsessed with translating the language of fairies or something equally daft becomes more convincing by the day.

Mind you, we shouldn't complain. We're very lucky to have Sue, if only because it means the rest of the world is spared. Without doubt, Ms K is living proof that God has a sense of humour. Her hyperanxiety must be intended as comic relief for the rest of us mortals.

In fact, if Sue was a building, she'd be an Hysteric Place. Which might be no bad thing. At least it would mean we could preserve her - in something useful, perhaps, like formaldehyde.

As it is, a bewildered citizenry is continually agitated by her many alarums and discursions. Using cellphones, watching television, accidentally ingesting one more electro-magnetic wave than is good for us - all of these have quickened Sue's pulse.

But nothing horrifies Lady Kedgley more than fat. Especially burger fat. Particularly Big Mac burger fat, a hideous ingredient foisted upon us by McDeviant McDonald's, now aided and abetted by those "Would you like fries with that?" fiends in the Force.

Little wonder Sue dialled 111, although why she should expect an answer is another matter altogether.

Nonetheless, the issue is clear. To avoid nutritional sabotage the only vouchers the plods should dispense are those for lentil hotpots or something in the mung bean line. And certainly not burgers and fries.

See, no matter how many Sarah Ulmers they lure into their global clutches, no matter how often they insist there's nothing wrong with bread or meat, no matter how many times they repeat the claims of the British Potato Council that "a 179g portion of chips contains double the fibre, 75 times more folate and four times more vitamin C than an apple", one inescapable fact remains.

McDonald's is to food what fins are to cars. Both are a wanton indulgence, unnecessary, unhealthy and wasteful. Shame. Gas-guzzlers and fat-guzzlers are equally guilty of eco-evil.

Not surprisingly, assorted healthpersons, each as gaunt and haunted as Sue, have joined her denunciation. Which is a bit odd, since you'd think they'd be very enthusiastic about anything that makes people ill, if only because curing it allows doctors and nurses to pay off their student loans quicker.

It's also true that fat people greatly enhance the self-esteem of thin people and the health benefits of this cannot be ignored.

Someone should point this out to Sue and the healthpersons. And remind them that fat is a jolly good thing, economically speaking. Folk spend a fortune putting it on and a fortune taking it off. Call it Gross Domestic Product, call it what you will, there's no doubt thin people's taxes would be even higher than they are if it weren't for all this expensive, expansive activity.

And our cash-strapped superannuation system also needs fat people. Like smokers, they tend to die rather sooner than their abstemious fellows, often in a sudden and inexpensive manner, thus allowing their taxes to be invested in the anxious dotage of the bean-sprout brigade.

So thin people like Sue should salute Sergeant Sundae. They should say: "Thank you. Keep up the good work. Hand out some vouchers for me."

Thin people should stop demonising allegedly harmful pleasures and start celebrating them - on behalf of the medical profession, the economy and themselves.

Think of the future, Sue. Think of tomorrow. Think of that Zimmer frame you might have to share if some careless copper forgets to hand out his vouchers. It should be Green Party policy to have the Queen's Birthday honours full of awards for heroic smokers and burgermunchers.

Stick up a (biodegradable) statue. Write an anthem: "All hail the faggers and fatties, forsooth." The fact is, Sue, they are your salvation.