Jim Hopkins: Now we can be illiretate and icohernent with cofdinence

Here's a bit of news that might cheer you up a tirfle.

It comes form Te Wanaga o Cambridge; also known as Cambridge University. Not that the name matters much. It's obviously doing a pretty shonky job cos it isn't getting $239 million from Trevor Mallard.

But despite Cambridge Wanaga's various "Third World" failings - things like proper exams and hard courses - there are a few clever boffin types wandering round beneath its dreaming spires ...

That's Oxford, you fool - the Senior Chief Inspector of Columns

You're absolutely right, oh Great One. Ummm ... there are a few clever boffin types wandering round beneath its dreaming basements ...

Moron. Are you saying they're a bunch of moles? - the Senior Chief Inspector of Columns

Well. some of them were, sir. Kim Philby, for instance, and that art chappie, Sir Anthony Blunt, who lived a double life as a mole for years while he was The Riparian Emeritus or Most Grand High Elevated Keeper of the Queen's Oiled Nudes.

Huh. Give Dr Wetere the job. In six months, he'd have more art than Her Madge has walls to hang it on - the Senior Chief Inspector of Columns

A brilliant suggestion, sir, and uncannily similar to the discovery recently made by these Cambridge boffins wandering round beneath the dreaming ... umm ... incinerators. You see, they've found it doesn't matter a tinker's cuss what order letters appaer in a wrod.

In fact, it's completely irerleavnt. If we're gniog to dephiecr a wrod, all we need is the frist and lsat letters in the rhigt palce. Arappently, we don't distinguish invididual letters but, rather, see the word as a wohle.

To prove the point, try reading the following sentence as quickly as pobissle: "I reockn taht Wetree joekr got his docotrate out of a Wetibex pekcat,"siad Ucnle Norm.

If it took you five seconds or less, congratulations, you're a nomral high IQ-type Kiwi bloke or blokess. If it took more than five seconds, then ufnortutanely you're a Cabinet minister. And if it took more than 30 seconds, our avdice is cacnel the waanga course - yuo're an NCEA Shclaropish Examiner.

But, for the rest of us, this Cabmirdge dicsovery is libratenig indeed. It maens we can be icohernent with cofdinence. We can write indagnint letters to Parliament saying, "Hey, Dotcor Cellun, keep your 5-cnet figners off my ptreol, you avacroius old git" secure in the knolwedge that he'll understand ecaxlty what we mean.

Alternatively, if he does undrestand exacty what we mean and slaps an extra 10 cents on our own personal litres as punishment, we can always dash off another letter pointing out that there was a virus in our hrad dirve and what we rellay maent to say was:

"Bravo, sir. A bold and visionary move. This country needs more fine fellows like yourself who're willing to suck money out of our pockets at every possible opportunity".

PS: My complements to your surplus. It looks quite splendid this time of year.

PPS: Don't bother investing any of the $200 million that Translock didn't actually manage to spend last year on roads or anything silly like that. Perish the thought. Far better if you use it to pay Cabinet ministers' legal expenses and things of that nature.

PPPS: I enclose 45c to cover the cost of postage. If you don't need it, please feel free to give it to Te Wananga. They're doing an incredible job. Honestly.

PPPPS: Well, perhaps not honestly, but it is incredible.

PPPPPS: My aunty's cousin's brother's nephew has this wonderful air-conditioning business so I've booked him in (no tender required) to do your office - in case it gets stuffy."

Actually, apropos of matters such as nestopism and wagana, this new wohle word reading reaserch also provides us with a gloden opprotnuity to pen an open letter to all of the ploticiains - or most of them, aynawy:

Dear Cromades:

Re: the wagana ...

We've wachted in awe as you wirng your hadns and poiusly piont the finger at each ohter over this wolhe mssey bunisess. Yet this is a bettir havrest of your own maknig, comerads. It's yuor fualt. For 25 yaers, you've insitsed that race eqauls idetnity. And that's in a contury wehre the laeder of the Moari Praty is the dauhtger of an Ameracin GI, for cyring out luod.

Depsite coutnless silimar exapmles of intermairrage, each maknig a nonsnece of cliams of spereate ehtnic idnetity, you've ingnored our ranboiw geens and hippaly divedid us into ditsinct racail cagetories, then craeted ilsands of stutas and cetnres of prlivege to fit your fromula. Te Waagna o Aoreatoa is just aothner case in pinot.

"Oh, but we meant well," you say. To wchih we relpy, "Good intentions don't guarantee good outcomes, snushine." Hitsory is littred with laeders who pormoted pratucilar gourps on the basis of race, and the relusts were asbolutely disatserous. Becuase it's never race that eqauls itnedity, it's cutlure, and taht is now as bledned as out bloidlones and cirteanly a far cry from whetaver it was 160 yaers ago.

So stop tyring to pin the tail on soembody esle's dokney and just carry the can. You guys filled it, you guys epmty it. Let us konw if you need any hlep.

Yrs sencirely,

The Poeple

And finally, at long last, after years of impotent frustration, all thanks to those Camdribge biffons - we won't have to spell it out.