Jim Hopkins: Don't despair, Kong will save us from gloom and doom

Don't worry, folks. Keep calm. Relax. There's no need to panic. Don't rush out to cash up your Christmas Club or put your life savings into pork futures or lunar real estate.

Don't suddenly liquefy your assets and start buying shares in one of those weird Uzbekistan companies that spews out unsolicited emails offering unspecified pharmaceutical miracles that will triple the length of unmentionable parts of the human anatomy.

'Cos they don't work.

Unfortunately.

You must be resolute. You must be a brave little soldier. You shouldn't do anything rash, like pulling the kids out of Dilworth. Or Dio.

"Never say Dio" should be your watchword. That's what the experts say. "When the going gets tough, the tough get counselling," is their view. And it should be yours, too.

Even if that is easier said than done in the present financial situation. Which it certainly is. It's hard being the fiscal equivalent of an ice-cool, 007 Junk Bond when old Ebenezer Bollard seems determined to turn happiness into humbug and the normally ebullient Harold starts splashing terrifying headlines across its front page.

Sell NZ dollars, warns US bank - that was Wednesday's grim message. Or allegedly grim. Until you did some digging and discovered that "global investment banking giant" Goldman Sucks had just got the pricker, that's all.

They were miffed because they hadn't been invited to the King Kong premiere. So they took it out on the currency.

Well, good luck to them. We didn't go nuclear-free just so we'd have a panic attack every time some New York Nobody starts yelling "Sell!!!!" Mr Goldman and Mr Sucks need to understand that they're in a minority of one.

They might want to sell but the rest of the world is desperate to buy. Dollars. Dramas. You name it, they'll buy it. Provided it's Kiwi made.

To prove the point, you need look no further than the premiere to which these Wally Street wonders were not invited. King Kong is going to be huge.

It's going to be huger than huge! Huger than Krakatoa. Bigger than the Bird Flu. It's going to be mega-maxi-massive!!!!!!! So much so that several thrilling sequels are in production. Ever hopeful that some positive information might encourage those Goldman Sucks to get with the programme and change their tune, here's an outline of what moviegoers will soon enjoy:

Ping Pong: This heartwarming tale focuses on a spiritual leader's tireless efforts to reform the world with sports equipment. Saddened by the equivocation, duplicity, media manipulation and bullying around him, Pope David Benson embarks on a one-man crusade to banish evil and put his balls in the nut, whoever that nut might be!

Highlights include scenes where Pope David tells the police one thing and parliament another and also a moving moment where he passionately declares, "I am one of the 19 people who either do not recall the alleged events or do not believe they happened and, more to the point, I am one of the 4,000,000 people who do not know which of those categories I am in."

Watch also for an exquisitely poignant sequence in which the endangered Pope tenderly carries his loyal Press Secretary to the top of the Empire State Building - then throws him to the wolves! "It's political decency with a capital 'duh'," says film reviewer Helen Highwater.

Ning Nong: A gritty fiscal thriller featuring hot hunk John Keys locked in a life-and-death struggle with the fearsome monster, GiSTzilla.

"I had no idea we had to include it in our spending," confesses a chastened J.K. when confronted by the Electoral Commission. "But, hey, inclusive, exclusive, what's the difference?" Actually, about $100,000 dollars, John boy!

Hong Kong: Set in the mystic Orient, this zany romcom is a classic chalk-and-cheese tale. Accused of "treason" after writing disparagingly about a prominent politician, gorgeous reporter Mandy Muckrake steps up her attacks only to find, as she accompanies her nemesis to exciting destinations like Kowloon and Edinburgh, that the Minister of Foreign Affairs really is as handsome, gifted, honest, brilliant, consistent, invaluable and sexy as he claims.

But do the baubles of office include a wedding ring? Find out for yourself when the movie screens next year.

Ring Rongo: Apparently, a lot of people have but he won't answer the phone.

Kingi Kongi: At last! The great ape story with an indigenous twist. In this Kong remake, the visiting scientists never land on Skull Island because of a foreshore dispute and Kongi gets to keep the Empire State Building as part of a Treaty Claim settlement.

Gone Wrong: Action fans will love this thriller starring Bruce Willis as beefy banker Alan Bollard, whose purpose in life is to smash the sinister Uridashi and crush domestic spending.

Unfortunately, no one takes any notice and keeps on sticking DVDs, LCDs, SUVs and CBDs on the plastic until, finally, just when it looks like the whole country's going to fall into the Dreadful State Building, Dr Bollard trumps his enemies by raising interest rates higher than the dollar and we all live happily ever after. Whoopee!!