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Home / New Zealand

<EM>Jim Hopkins:</EM> An election result that's of truly Germanic proportions

22 Sep, 2005 11:03 AM5 mins to read

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Opinion by

Well, the people have spoken ... and they don't know what to say. Or they didn't on Saturday, put it that way.

Decision '05 the networks called it. But if that's what it was, then the decision we made seems to be: "Ummm ... err ... ahhhh ... "

And
now, maybe, "Whoops!"

Certainly, the extinguished poet laureate, Mr Jam Hipkins, has a parliamentary hangover. Or overhang. As this dyspeptic work indicates:

Of course I voted, dumpfkopf!
I knew it was a must
I couldn't leave democracy
To flounder in the dust
So I thought about it long and hard
Each issue I discussed
And it wasn't tax or loans for me
I quickly got that sussed
So I split my vote, with one for Act
And one for Jim Anderton, just
To be sure that I got what I wanted
Which was chaos I could trust!


Alas, the chaos we've got isn't the kind anyone could trust! Little wonder the old codger submitted an even more vitriolic verse.

I got the news on Sunday
From an old friend whom I'd rung.
He told me, with a choking sob,
Our parliament was hung!
"What! All of them?" I spluttered.
"You mean every one that stood?"
"Oh, yes," he said.
"They've all been hung."
To which I answered, "Good!"


You can understand the disenchantment. This is a result of truly Germanic proportions, as was evident when the leaders finally emerged on Saturday evening. The alleged winner, Ms Helen Merkel looked as if she'd been forced to eat dead rats for several hours while the alleged loser, Dr Don Schroeder looked like a particularly (un)reserved banker.

Each insisted they could form a fabulous, exciting gummint that could do all manner of fabulous, exciting things despite the palpable evidence that any administration emerging from this schemozzle is likely to enjoy as much freedom of movement as a Mafia debtor in a block of cement.

That has greatly perturbed the Round Brethren, the Exclusive Table and the PTPA (the Paid Teachers' Propaganda Association) who were all hoping for a more definitive result.

Which raises a tantalising possibility. Perhaps a definitive result is something the rest of us didn't want.

Perhaps we're terminally nice and couldn't bring ourselves to hurt Helen or deflate Don. Perhaps we decided, by some process of telepathic osmosis, that it would be best if Decision '05 was a near-as-damnit dead-heat photo finish.

Perhaps we've quietly concluded that what elections should really be is junior netball for politicians, i.e. just another contest nobody wins. Perhaps the result is our way of saying to all the candidates, "It doesn't matter what the score is, darling. You all played well!"

If so, we've done a lovely thing. Everybody's got something but nobody's got everything. The Maori Party got 40,000 votes and they got four seats. United Future got 55,000 votes and they got three seats! Super!

Indeed, this caring, sharing approach applies across the board. In the best traditions of junior netball, the Centre Left got more seats and the Centre Right got more votes (50.2 per cent v 48.8 per cent, according to Monday's Herald). And that's only fair. It means everybody gets a share. The teachers will love it!

Heck, we might even have Nandor again once the specials are counted. Mr Rod Fitzdonald (the Green Leader of the Joint Party) is confident they'll bring the dreadlocked one whizzing back to Parliament "on his skateboard".

And that would be lovely too. If our MMP parliament is to be truly inclusive, it must make room for the champion of those skateboarding Rastafarians who express a devout belief in Haile Selassie and espouse the use of marijuana as a religious sacrament. We can never unite as a nation if this significant group is overlooked.

Neither can we unite if we ignore the lessons of this election "going forward", as they say. It's clear, since no party has won, no policy should either. Some compromise is needed here.

Everybody should get a turn in terms of policy. We should, for instance, reduce the interest on student loans, split the tax cuts down the middle and keep half the Maori seats. Oh, and establish a sovereign parliament for Mr Hone Harewera, about whom there is that whiff of cordite normally associated with a loose cannon.

These could be matters Ms Merkel and Dr Schroeder might wish to discuss.

Their election was a shambles. The loyal propagandists at Helenvision New Zealand have been saying so all week. While our triumphant leader was, according to their bulletins, calmly assembling her next Government, the hapless Huns were facing "weeks of political turmoil" with "both sides claiming victory".

Apparently, "Germany's political future hangs in the balance" as both major parties desperately try "to cobble together a workable coalition".

Gosh, that sounds alarming. We should be grateful we don't live in a country where there's only a 1 per cent difference between the two main parties and thank our lucky stars that we do live in a country ... where there's only a 1 per cent difference between the two main parties.

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