Greg Dixon's weekend

NO SCAMPI FOR THE DINNER GUEST, PLEASE

As we all know, politicians have no interest in polls, none whatsoever, blah, blah, blah; there's only one poll that matters, etc, etc - except, of course, when you're Winston Peters and New Zealand First and you're queuing up for your share of the $3.2 million election broadcasting money at the tri-annual lolly scramble held by the electoral commission. Number five on the party's list of why it should get more money this time round: "A very recent National Business Review poll response to the question 'If you could have a politician over for dinner who would it be?' resulted in Mr Peters obtaining the highest result and, in our opinion, demonstrates the regard with which he and his party, New Zealand First, are held." Personally I'd have made this number one on the list. However, my advice, should he happen to take up your invitation to come over for a nosh: Don't serve seafood.

THAT'S DIXON WITH A 'P'

Violence, paranoia, insanity ... yes, the hilariously over-heated telly current affairs brawl is simply terrific, isn't it? Who will Bill Ralston slag off next? Clifford The Big Red Dog? But his ravings have had nothing on the entertainment value offered by the show trial of the year, the conviction of Samurai swordsman and machinegun murderer Antonie Ronnie Dixon, who unfortunately I cannot claim as a relation. Dixon's guilty verdict has established, according to Auckland crown solicitor Simon Moore (left), that doing murder and mayhem while out of your gourd on the drug P is no defence. Not mad, just bad and very, very stoned, then. However, Moore failed to mention the obvious: that turning up at court with a pudding-bowl, Henry V haircut like mum used to give you and then making eyes at TV cameramen while not high on P isn't much of a defence either. Not like a nice suit.

BABY, YOU CAN'T DRIVE MY CAR

Irony of the week: Campbell Live's Carol Hirschfeld (right), who this week door-stopped a bloke now charged with selling drivers' licences to non-drivers, cannot in fact drive herself.

BEAUTY AND THE GIFT HORSE

Is Helen Clark mean as cat dirt? No, just a constitutional expert, apparently. Evidently the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet initially questioned whether New Zealand should send a present to Boring Princess Charlie and his lovely bride for their upcoming nuptials - since we didn't even send a bunch of flowers to poor old Princess Anne when she got hitched for a second time. "But it was felt," Clark told National Radio this week, "that because Prince Charles is the heir to the throne and New Zealand is a constitutional monarchy and because he would have been quite recently in New Zealand - and that visit has now taken place - yes, a gift would be appropriate." Now that's terribly generous. And what are we sending? More or less a large bunch of flowers: native (but will they be GE-free?) plants and trees. Apparently an artwork was considered but rejected, because "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". You see, she did learn something from Paintergate.