Greg Dixon's weekend

$%ing swear it was Billy Connolly

Now there are only three reasons the rich and famous visit these parts when not working: To buy the North Island, to buy the South Island or to buy some privacy. But Scots comedian and International Man of Mystery Billy Connolly, spotted very publicly chugging on fat cigars outside an Auckland cafe this week, wasn't about to admit which it was.

Herald: "Hello Mr Connolly, could we have a word, I'm from the New Zealand Herald."

International Man of Mystery: "Well that serves you right."

The poor dear went on to say he no longer talks to the @$%ing press because they had savaged him in the past few years - in fact in Britain for the past 30 years - for which the blushing Herald reporter must now pay.

He assured her his visit was not from any misplaced sense of patriotism like watching the Lions, "but if it was the Hurricanes playing in New Plymouth it would be a different story". Anyway apparently it was none of the Herald's @$%ing business why he was here. Funny how the famous fall over themselves to talk to the @$%ing media when they've got some project they need help flogging though, isn't it?

And now for something completely useless

You have to hand it to Telecom, they're always looking for new ways to part fools from their money. It's latest cunning plan is called Song ID. It works like this: you're an idiot and you're standing in some place where there is music playing. You think 'hmm, I wonder what that song is?' then you ring a number on your mobile, hold it up to the music source for 30 seconds and receive a text telling you what it is (cost 99c). Now as I'm so entrepreneurial, I've just set up my own service. You ring me, hold the phone up for 30 seconds, and I'll send you a text telling you whether you're a jackass or not (cost 99c, parents please ask your children first).

Just call him Rod Bin Laden

Forget Ahmed Zaoui, it's Greens co-leader Rod Donald we've really got to worry about. Last weekend, as the Chinese No 2 was arriving, he caused a diplomatic stink and a security threat on the steps on Parliament with a one-man protest using a lethal Tibetan flag. This week he went for broke by trying to board a plane with a picnic set which included 6 knives and corkscrew. His excuse: he was taking it down to Christchurch for an auction at the party's conference this weekend. Why hasn't a security risk certificate been issued for this madman?

So long and thanks for all the hate mail

This column comes to an end this week - my security risk certificate has finally come through. To those I've offended, I thank you. To those I didn't, better luck next time. To those who wrote in, I'm grateful for some terrific feedback. My very favourite was from B K Grant of Papakura: "Pin-Prick /noun, vulgarism/ 1. inadequate from crown to knees. 2. first class drongo. 3. Greg Dixon." But for the column's epitaph, I leave it to Jean Hallam (Mrs) of Tauranga: "The column ... was the ultimate example of his bad taste and I know that other readers agree with me. When one compares his journalism with Michele Hewitson's witty interviews...Greg Dixon will not be missed." As I often say to the missus, the aforementioned Hewitson, "yes dear".