KEY POINTS:
Right folks, we're expecting a full house at Eden Park tonight and that means several hours of us and them all squashed in together. Of course there's no easy way to tell the difference between Henry and Deans supporters by just looking at them so we'll make things
easier and focus on the English fans.
Ask any veterans of the last Lions' tour and they'll tell you: "You can always tell a Pommy rugbyhead, but you can't tell him much."
To their way of thinking they invented the game and remain the sole upholders of the grand tradition of plodding front row forwards with necks like thighs, hands like feet, and a burning desire to pile on top of their mates. When they encounter our peculiar fondness for keeping the ball in play, all they see is a game that's a few tutus away from a Busby Berkeley musical.
The thing is, as a sensible person, you'll be wanting to avoid these types in the beer queue, so we've compiled an easy-to-use spotters' guide:
* Teeth. Not as easy to spot as you might think. Your average English rugby type usually comes with a huge squadron leader's moustache that may have been in the family for generations, but if you do get a gander you'll notice a mouth full of grizzled crags pointing every which way but up or down.
* Lighters. It's not that they're smokers, don't let the smoking jacket and cravat fool you, these are to warm the beer. At a guess this habit is more about warding off the cold sweats their team give them.
* Wailing. These people have no understanding of a proper rugby chant. As you well know if you're backing the Blacks you slowly intone: "Aaaaaaalllllllll Blaaaaaaaaacks" over and over until you get faint and fall over. Poms, well, they have all manner of chirpy songs to distract them from the game. Look fullas, if you want a sing-song buy yourselves a singstar and stay home.
* Accents. A dreadful noise. It's hice this, trisers that and once round the corgis. They can't even pronounce this place. Ask a pom where they are and you'll get: "Ah, sumfwhere in the colo-knees, isn't it?" Or something like that. It's the teeth.
* Clothing. For all their talk of hard yards, they flounce up in white shirts with red flowers on them, topped off with a pair of freshly-creased slacks, a partridge hanging from the belt, and the above mentioned medal-laden smoking jacket and cravat. The shotgun will have been left in the Range Rover that's now parked across your driveway.
* Inappropriate behaviour. This is where they really stand out, the English cheer drop goals, sing their national anthem without embarrassment, and won't know any of the words when Th' Dudes' Bliss inevitably screams from the PA.
* Colouration. They come in two: A porcelain white so delicate you can see the blue veins; or that alien orange known only to body builders and sunbed addicts.
Now, all this should see you safe and sound, but there are variations. Just like heavy metal, the English have an endless number of subgenres and while they'll share at least a couple of the above traits, a sharp eye should be able to detect the tells which set them apart:
Queen's cousin. In profile, the nose will be slightly elevated as though they have detected something unsavoury under their shoe while the chin appears to have been sucked in.
Hooray Henry. Easy, even on the stillest of nights, these chaps will have scarves flapping in a non-existent gale while they take pot-shots at anyone with a natural tan.
Barmy Army Supporter. Yes, they're cricket supporters, but they're also a bit dim so there's bound to be a couple here by accident. They'll be the ones with big red crosses on their faces, which help them focus on each other after a dozen pints, and when they're not singing about themselves they'll be appealing against the light.
WEATHERING THE MATCH
What: All Blacks v England
Where: Eden Park
When: Tonight, 7.35 kickoff.
Weather could again play a part in the crowd numbers at tonight's All Black test.
At 1pm yesterday 2000 tickets were still left for the match.
The rugby union has been hoping for a full house after seeing empty seats at the test in Wellington against Ireland last Saturday.
The bitter cold there was blamed for driving as many as 500 fans out of their seats.
Derek Holland, of MetService, said that light showers in Auckland today were expected to become more frequent in the evening, and a northeasterly wind was forecast to pick up.
Tonight's spare seats are all terrace spots and cost $40 for adults and $15 for children.
