Dominic George: Milk prices just aren't sexy enough

Time to spice up milk prices. Photo / John Stone

New way to present dairy trade could have endless possibilities

I have a solution to help bridge the town/country divide in New Zealand and it all revolves around taking a leaf out of Venezuela's book. I love New Zealand but I'm starting to think Venezuela might be the greatest country in the world. As our turgid news products lose credibility by the day, the Venezuelans have put the foot down and taken things to a new level.

A group of newsreaders from the show Desdnudando La Noticia (who cares) have bared all in support of the national football team. They've basically posted a two-minute nude video wishing the team well just before the start of the Copa America tournament in Chile.

One of their number, Yuvi Pallares (again, who cares), has taken things a step further by sticking to her promise of stripping off after every game the Venezuelans win, getting her kit off following their surprising 1-nil victory over Colombia last week.

Not to be outdone, another host has come up with her own version of Paul the Octopus and is attempting to predict the results of group matches by placing the opposing teams' flags on her nipples and jiggling them about until one falls off; clearly that team will lose. She's batting above 50 per cent, so it's obviously a valuable service she's providing -- good initiative.

If sex sells, why should the news be exempt? The Venezuelans get this. They do have the advantage of being able to dip into a fairly deep pool of talent and seem delightfully uninhibited when it comes to flaunting their God-given beauty. The country's females have collectively won a combined 21 Miss World/Universe/International/Earth contests and rank first in the official Global Beauties list.

Here in New Zealand, we're a bit more puritanical when it comes to things like naked news reading, but I think over time we can change the collective conscience on this one and here's where the hinterland can come to the fore.

As Andrew Mulligan of The crowd Goes Wild fame noted a few weeks ago on Farming First, the nation's ever-increasing urban population know that the wealth of our land is intrinsically linked to the performance of the agricultural sector, but beyond that they don't care. He speaks for the majority on this occasion. If international milk prices fall yet another few percentage points next week it will certainly make the news, primarily because it's part of a generally negative narrative, and we like that kind of thing, and partly because, as Mulligan recognises, it is important to our economic prosperity or otherwise.

But it's distinctly unsexy and we keep hearing that news needs to be sexy. To this end, I propose from now on the fortnightly Global Dairy Trade Event be preceded by a live internet stream on farmingshow.com featuring our own Kiwi version of Paul the Octopus/Venezuelan news reader titty-jiggle. A plus and minus symbol can be attached to the nipples and the "milk jugs" can be given a wiggle or two until one falls off; the remaining symbol should provide a reasonably accurate prediction of whether the auction will be in the black or the red for that fortnight.

The ramifications are endless. There will be no shortage of willing participants for the role of "predictor", particularly from the crop of serial reality show contestants who inhabit our screens as part of the dating, dancing, cooking, singing and building show industry invading our screens. You could even run a reality show picking the winner. Better still, combine them all; contestants can date, dance, cook, sing and build all while jiggling about with little symbols dangling from their boobs, just waiting to fall off. The winner can go on talk shows, TV ads, magazine covers -- even the news itself. If X-Factor and Dancing With the Stars can make the news, so can the Global Dairy Trade Event Predictor.

Sponsors will line up for a slice of the action and, all of a sudden, rural New Zealand, the price of milk and other agricultural topics will get the coverage they deserve. It may not be in the way many desire, but let me ask you: is it working now?

Dominic George hosts Farming First, 5am-6am weekdays on Radio Sport.
He vents his views here every Thursday.