Divorce coaches Kimberlee Sweeney and Nikki Bould.
The bonds of matrimony can stretch so taut that they snap in an explosion of emotion, leaving people and families in tatters.
We probably all know someone, or several people, who have been through marriage or long-term relationship breakups.
It’s not nice watching people you care about struggle with the devastation that follows.
Then there’s the fallout with ripple effects reaching far and wide.
So how can you help your friends get through these dark days?
Or perhaps you can help before things explode. How? Refer them to a divorce coach.
Kimberlee Sweeney, who was born and bred in Hawke’s Bay, was New Zealand’s first certified divorce coach.
“After my own divorce, I recognised there was no help and people needed it,” Sweeney said.
It was that experience that led to Sweeney training as a CDC-certified divorce coach, through the CDC Certified Divorce Coach programme based in Florida, in the US.
“I have also trained with the Gottman Institute and have completed papers in Gottman relationship coaching.”
She says divorce is a challenging time for families and having a personal coach is important.
“A coach helps with emotional management, de-escalating conflict, and the practical aspects of separating assets and sharing child care.”
Now based in Auckland, she says it’s exciting to see more coaches coming on board.
In light of this, Sweeney, along with co-founders Nikki Bould, Kelly Sutton and Julie (Jules) McClain, have established the Divorce and Separation Institute of NZ.
Its goal is to save people from unnecessary stress, financial burdens and time-consuming legal battles by helping them make informed decisions and navigate the divorce process with clarity. Their focus is on preserving important ongoing relationships, such as co-parenting arrangements and minimising the negative impact of divorce on the wider family unit and our society.
“There are no regulations in the divorce coaching industry. Just like other professional bodies have regulatory bodies with professional standards of practice, we saw a need for professional oversight and a support system for clients who have had negative experiences with coaching relationships,” Sweeney said.
“Our job as a coach, which is quite different from a counsellor, is to guide people through the divorce process. How to manage conflict, what does co-parenting look like, we help them prepare for legal meetings, finding a lawyer and how to make the most of their time with that lawyer.”
While Sweeney says she hadn’t seen an increase in divorce per se, there was an increase in people reaching out for help.
“People are making divorce coaches their first port of call rather than a lawyer. People also contact us while they are still in a relationship wanting to know what they should do if they did leave and also what to do to make it work.”
She says she thinks the most common reason for divorce is complacency.
“People fall into the habit of taking each other for granted. Kids come along, lifestyles change and one party is not engaging in the relationship.”
“Some of us do grow apart and if you can’t come back from that it’s time to move on. Of course, if you have children together you never fully leave that person. It is so important to find a way to get on.”
Sweeney says while her work can be very emotional and divorce coaches deal with some heavy work, “we as a body support our coaches and make sure they get any help they need”.
“I learned that the hard way when I first started. I didn’t look after myself. Now I make sure I get plenty of exercise, fresh air, yoga and meditation.
“Some people run for 50km to unwind. That’s not me, I’d rather catch up with friends and relax.”
For more info, go to dscinz.co.nz
Linda Hall is a Hastings-based assistant editor for Hawke’s Bay Today, and has 30 years of experience in newsrooms. She writes regularly on arts and entertainment, lifestyle and hospitality, and pens a column.
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