"New Zealand is a country of people who now live longer, earn more, are better educated, have better health, and are less likely to be a victim of crime. That is why the New Zealand public, when they went to the polls, resoundingly asked us to come back and to be the Government for a further three years ..."
We do live longer; whether that can be attributed to John Key is, admittedly, unknown. But our educated classes certainly earn more.
Everyone other than anyone Maori will have better health and is less likely to be a victim of crime. The Salvation Army State of the Nation report released yesterday takes a slightly different view, of course: a "reduction in recorded crime rates during 2013/14 has a hollow tone given the arbitrary way in which the police record crime" and "the slight reduction in recorded rates of violent offending is hardly significant ... against such minimal change, the collapse in rates of resolution of such offending is alarming." But he's nailed it at the end there: National did win the election.
On his opponent, he dropped several sick burns.
"He is not Andrew Little; he is Dr Dolittle. This man does absolutely nothing." Zing!
He moves on to how the country needs infrastructure - or roads, more specifically. "Northland, that place we love so much; Northland, those people we respect so much need to get to Auckland on the road, and this Government will be supporting Puhoi to Wellsford, not just with planning but with the road."
And: "Under this Government ... last year 2000 new homes per month were constructed under a National-led Government - 24,000 homes in the last 12 months. That is double the rate from when we took over."
Not quite enough according to the Sallies, who say, "The Auckland numbers are woefully inadequate in the face of the recent migration surge. Either way, the housing being built in both cities is not affordable for those at the bottom of the housing and labour markets."
Oh, and the Sallies also said this week they didn't really like the plan to flog off state housing to them either - the numbers didn't add up. But that didn't stop the Prime Minister insisting they were the right type of people to own state housing, so "that bottleneck and logjam that are there will be unblocked with a far more sensible scheme". Of selling off state assets and enriching property speculators further, he wisely didn't add.
There was so much to devour in this speech that it was almost a shame it had to end, with all the magnificent policy developments on offer.
You'd expect such a scene-setting speech as that one to have a big ending, and you'd be right. Something uplifting, philosophical - maybe a tract from The Fountainhead to carry us out on. Here's what he said.
"It is a pretty simple message: it is a lot over here and it is a little over there. And I tell you what, New Zealand is hungry for a lot and only four people over there wanted 'a Little'."
F***ing genius, that.
