Dave Mollard’s Change is Constant: How Palmerston North could host the Commonwealth Games

The Green Games in Palmy could include a manu (bombing) comp, albeit not off a picturesque wharf like this one at Russell. Photo / Peter de Graaf

Opinion

The state of Victoria dumping the Commonwealth Games three years out from the opening ceremony is a massive embarrassment for Australia. It is also the perfect opportunity for Manawatū to get on the world - or maybe just the Commonwealth - map.

It’s our time to shine, to become the talk of the colonies and host the Green Games. I propose we put in a bid to host the Commonwealth Games in good old Palmy in 2026. The Green Games: if we don’t already have it, we aren’t building it.

Our city hosts the world’s best motorsport event, the Superstock Teams Championship, every year, so we can step up and host the 5000 Commonwealth Games competitors and their entourages. We can host the few thousand spectators who will also be here in support.

That’s about 15,000 beds we need to provide; it’s a maths game. There are 30,000 homes in Palmy, which means 30,000 couches that are below capacity. Heck, each visitor has the choice of two couches - leatherette or suede.

Lodging is sorted, so now we need to work on logistics. Each host will be given three months to get their cache of frozen meals, energy drinks and carbohydrates in the pantry ready for their visitor, also making sure their Toyota Corolla has a warrant and a full tank of gas, as we are going to need that as well.

Now it’s down to the sporting facilities, and here is where we need to get really creative. Do we need a new eight-lane pool when the Lido Aquatic Centre was up to competition specs in the 1970s? We can just tell the Aussie swim team to drop their fastest mermaid or merman and only have two of the seven finalists.

Netball at CET Arena, field sports in Te Marae o Hine (we will have to move the ducks out during the javelin), track sports at Massey University.

We have the opportunity to bring in some uniquely Kiwi sports. I’m thinking a manu (bombing) comp at Horseshoe Bend, gumboot tossing would have to be in our satellite village of Taihape, and of course, dog trials in Hunterville. Maybe we could solve the goose problem by situating archery at Hokowhitu Lagoon?

We don’t need to spend money on a bunch of creatives coming up with a mascot. Turboman, or even better, Whātonga, who guards our gorge, will do.

In a time when our reputation as a sporting destination has been tarnished as we say farewell and adieu to the Spanish ladies, we need to deflect, to create positive energy (and maybe a couple of nightclubs?).

We will lower the expectations for these pampered athletes by not promising anything flash and delivering a number-eight-wire event.

We will provide the solution to the crippling financial costs of hosting a sporting event by not investing anything other than our brains, hearts and couches into the 23rd Commonwealth Games right here in good old P-naughty, home of the Green Games.

Dave Mollard is a Palmerston North community worker and social commentator.