Hey everybody, it's your new pal Level 2 here! I think we've got to know each other pretty well since I arrived on Saturday and I think you'll agree I'm a pretty chilled-out entertainer. Want to send your kid to school? Sure thing! Take a bus? All aboard! Strip the supermarket shelves bare? There's really no need for that. Things are fine.
You can think of me as a kindly uncle or a benevolent Nana. It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from. We're all in this together. I've got your best interests at heart and just want you to go about your business as usual but please, observe social distancing, and cough into your elbow. I realise this is a confusing time for those of you who can't tell your arse from your elbow but just try your best.
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The shops are open. The bars are open. It's all good. But the virus is dangerous and that's why Level 2 is all about "precaution". Joanne Black in the latest Listener writes that moves to ban large public gatherings and order returning travellers to self-isolate are an "over-reaction". This is what is known as "insane".
Anyway, have some common sense but just chill, okay? You don't have to hoard toilet paper. You don't have to panic. Level 2 is your friend. I'll look after you! Things are fine. Chur!
Yeah hi I'm Level 3 but look sorry I don't have time to answer all your questions, I'm in a bit of a rush, I'm just passing through and I need you to get your affairs in order and sort everything out before 11.59pm on Wednesday because that's when Level 4 is coming into town and you don't want to mess with Level 4.
Okay. Listen up. Drag your kids out of school now. I said NOW. If you absolutely have to take the bus, enter through the rear door. Strip the supermarket shelves bare? There's really no need for that.
The shops are open. The bars are open. It's all good but only for a little while so for God's sake get ready NOW. Otherwise, just relax. We're all in this together. Things are fine.
I'm sorry we won't get to know each other better for the brief time I'm here but I'll tell you this much: you'll miss me when I'm gone.
Hello. This is Level 4 speaking. I am a State of Emergency. Your lives are in peril. Please sit down. Listen very carefully. It's not as if you've got somewhere to go.
Go home. Stay home. Barricade yourself in. Lock the door. Close the curtains. Stay away from my window. Stay away from my back door too. Disconnect the telephone line. Relax baby and draw that blind – no, wait, that's that really great Rod Stewart song "Tonight's the Night". Tonight is not the night. Sex is permitted but police have the powers to make random stops and can and will pull you over so to speak.
Here is the list of essential business. Supermarkets. Dairies. The Warehouse. No, wait. Not The Warehouse. Butchers. The Mad Butcher is not exempt; for its stores to stay open in this crisis is what is known as "against the f**ing law, Mr Leitch".
Bars are closed. Funerals are banned. You cannot drive to the beach. If you go to the beach, stay at the beach and do not move for 28 days. Do not light fires on the beach. Do not sleep on the beach. It might be best if you don't go to the beach.
We're all in this together but avoid everyone like – yeah, literally – the plague. Things are fine. Things are fine. Things are fine.