KEY POINTS:
A quarter of New Zealand women say financial worries are affecting their relationships as the world recession bites.
A telephone survey of 500 people aged 15 and over, conducted by Colmar Brunton for the makers of sexual lubricant K-Y, has found that 25 per cent of women and 19 per cent of men say financial worries are affecting intimacy levels in their relationships.
The national counselling agency Relationship Services said it was also seeing more financial stress in couples coming to it for help.
"We have been seeing that for at least four months," said the agency's practice manager Cary Hayward.
"We are starting to see redundancy showing up now - that is slightly newer."
He said financial problems were already the biggest single factor in relationship problems before the world financial crisis hit. A Relationship Services survey last June found that 41 per cent of people said money issues caused recurring problems in their relationships, ahead of work pressures (31 per cent), time pressures (29 per cent) and a long list of less common problems.
But relationship problems often worsened when people suffered major financial blows such as redundancy.
"Obviously, then there is a lot of uncertainty - often for both partners - around how they are going to sustain themselves, what it means for the mortgage, what it means for the family and kids," Mr Hayward said.
"That has a big effect on people's levels of anxiety, their levels of depression, hopelessness and so on.
"Unfortunately, our experience is that the rate of domestic violence also goes up when couples are under financial pressure. The research indicates that it's young couples with new children who are financially stressed who are the most prone as a group to family violence."
The survey found that people were most likely to say financial worries were affecting their relationships in the 20 to 24 age bracket (38 per cent), with money worries staying above 30 per cent in all but one of the age groups from 25 to 50.
Unsurprisingly, beneficiaries were far more likely to report financial worries affecting their relationships (57 per cent) than even the worst-affected working group, clerks, secretaries and office workers (32 per cent).
Maori were more affected (34 per cent) than Europeans (22 per cent).
Mr Hayward said counselling could help couples deal with money worries together, rather than arguing about them.
"We assist people to have a strong collaborative relationship, where they are standing beside each other and the issue is outside the relationship so they are using their shared strength to deal with the issue," he said.
Mary Gray of the Home and Family Society said her counsellors helped couples to find cheaper alternatives - such as going for a picnic instead of dining out or buying takeaways.
Redundancy could be "reframed" as an opportunity to catch up on things that have been put off and spend more time with the children.
"Partners need to recognise the stress and potential depression that their partner could start to feel," she said.
Tips for couples:
* Be aware of different attitudes to money; talk about how money was dealt with in your family/previous relationships.
* Make conscious decisions around money. Decide how the roles and decisions will be shared.
* Write down what is bugging you about money in your relationship.
* How much of the problem is the money, and how much is about how decisions are made? This can clarify your thinking and be a good starting point for a discussion.
* Money issues are no excuse for violence, everyone can learn to handle themselves.
Source: Relationship Services.
* relate.org.nz
* homeandfamily.org.nz
