Glenn Dwight, upset by growing indifference to the Commonwealth Games, takes a humorous look at what it would be like if New Zealand’s rural sector took charge.
Fifty years ago, the pocket calculator was invented, 58008 became tweenage boys’ favourite number, and New Zealanders weresinging along with Steve Allen’s Join Together as the Commonwealth Games came to Christchurch.
And this, to me, looks like a chance for New Zealand to again “join together” and the rural sector to put its best Red Band forward and take on the hosting.
Obviously, because the rural sector will be hosting the games, the days of elaborate overspending by Italian suit-wearing executives are over.
No more catered ideation sessions on bean bags with 20-minute foosball breaks - Karen, the Ohingaiti town hall chairlady, now has the purse strings, and these games will be on budget, on time or there will be a strongly worded letter to the King.
Firstly, there’s no need for a fancy athlete’s village; in true Kiwi hospitality, athletes will be hosted by local families.
Imagine an athlete’s joy when they find out they will be sharing a room and bunk beds with the host family’s teenage children.
Snuggled up under a faded floral print duvet is peak hospitality in my book.
And when it comes to infrastructure, we need to show some of that Kiwi ingenuity that has put Aotearoa on the map.
So when we think of a 100m track, that straight piece of road by Ian Smith’s Kiwitahi farm will go good (maybe just sort a couple of potholes).
As for track markings, Bec still has a half pot of eggshell she used to spruce up the kitchen a few years ago. That will do the trick.
And yes, technically, it is only 98m, but let’s not get caught up in detail. It also should guarantee a few Commonwealth Games records.
Instead of fancy podiums, picture athletes standing on beer crates or hay bales to receive their medals (made from bottle tops with a trivia question to entertain the athletes while on the podium), perfect as they stand with pride listening to their national anthem played by the local school recorder group.
The limitation is that they only know three anthems and three blind mice.
Now the logo design — that’s another big-ticket item that requires a gaggle of consultants and meetings, all of which must be catered. So why not recycle the 1974 logo?
It’s also a great chance to get a few of those ‘74 Holden Kingswoods out of the barn and back on the road to transport VIPs.
And when it comes to athlete transport, you can’t go past the Cape Kidnappers tractor and a couple of trailers.
For hosting areas outside of Hastings, that old-school, school gala day classic the magic carpet ride will be a perfect solution.
While on the ingenuity train (toot toot), a herringbone milking shed pit could be flooded to become a pool.
The cow platform is the perfect spectator viewing; add a few hay bales for premium seating, and we are already running a profit on tickets.
There is also the opportunity to introduce a few new sports into the game. Trough Golf will be one straight into the games for me.
It’s been a beloved sport of young farmers for years, and what would be more glorious than telling your family you won a gold in Trough Golf? That certificate really would be going straight to the pool room.
Bullrush is another must. Sure, it will be banned on day two of the competition after Derek breaks his arm, but until then, it will be a spectator highlight, and TV viewing numbers will be huge!
A lot of organisers make the mistake of wasting huge amounts of money on a mascot.
The Rural Commonwealth Games mascot will be a possum called... ‘Nothing is IM POSSIM BLE’, okay, that might need work, but the important part of the plan is that every athlete goes home with one of the mascots, and I am not talking about a cheap stuffed toy, I am talking about the REAL thing.
Save the planet from unwanted waste and de-pesting our forests. WIN WIN.
A possible Rural Commonwealth Games mascot could be a possum called ‘Nothing is im-possim-ble'.
Now, the opening ceremony can be a little problematic and, if we are honest, shambolic.
So, to bring some order back to this part of the games and a little rural flavour, I suggest we have country pens and then run the opening ceremony like a dog trial with the country’s best herding dogs and shepherds sorting athletes into their appropriate country pen.
And obviously, the theme to A Dog’s Show will be pumping on the PA.
Because we’ve committed to an opening ceremony, it is only fair that we throw a bit of resource into a closing ceremony.
Now I am thinking we host these events at the local rugby club, have a few sausages on the BBQ, and that most Kiwi of traditions the ‘bring a plate’. I am sure there’s enough of Vera’s casserole to go around.
And because these are omnipresent events, rather than having bands at each rugby club, we’ll sort each clubroom with a mixed cassette tape of the best of Kiwi tracks.
Including a parody cover of Mi-Sex’s Computer Games.
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Video / NZ Herald
