For all I know, they might even win. They're so retro, they probably appeal to the designeratti.
But that doesn't make blaming and shaming passengers the best way to achieve better bus services in Auckland.
It's true, a person without the right fare can hold up the flow into a bus, but my bugbear is the bad design of the bus entrance, which often prevents the majority of us with Hop cards being able to slip past and into the bus.
As for Seat Hogger Sally, there are the few travellers who need a stern stare before they remove their bag from the adjacent seat. But again, the real problem with NZ Bus seats is they're designed for Lilliputians, not for normal-sized Aucklanders.
If Rubenesque Sally overflows into the adjacent seat, then it's because she's not built like the skinny fashion models NZ Bus seems to think populate its buses.
The New Zealand Transport Agency, in its latest standards for urban bus quality, acknowledges this. "Changes in population demographics means many of our passengers are getting heavier, bigger/wider, older and less mobile, so good accessible seating is a requirement for passengers ..."
But having conceded this, the transport bureaucrats then rule that a two-person bus bench-paired seat be just 87.5cm wide. Which is a very cosy fit for two strangers of normal proportions.
At just under 44cm a person, it matches the bottom end of economy class airplane seat width. But at least in a plane, there's an armrest to restrict overflow from the next door passenger.
As for leg room, the NZ Standard says it is "an important feature for passenger comfort", then deems a 30cm space, "measured horizontally from the front of the seat squab to the seat back in front" to be fine.
Some of the new buses have moulded seat frames with raised edges protruding out from the seat back, which makes that rule a joke. No wonder taller guys have to squeeze sideways into bus seats, riding side-saddle.
I haven't measured NZ Bus seating to check if it is more generous than these minimum requirements. Even if it is, the space provided brings to mind the sow crates of pig farming infamy.
NZ Bus is encouraging travellers to post on Twitter with the hashtag #BusBetter and nominate new bugbears. Feel free to borrow the above and nominate seating designed for normal humans for starters.
There are, of course a couple of old bugbears I've been hammering on about for years, which NZ Bus ignores.
One is decent reading lights. With many passengers stuck on the bus for up to an hour or more, this is so basic, I can't understand why Auckland Transport doesn't demand it. In the end I gave up and bought an e-reader with a built-in light.
Then there's the wrap-around advertising which is all NZ Bus's fault.
Why any transport provider considers it acceptable to plaster advertising across the outside of buses, including the side windows, leaving paying passengers cocooned in a claustrophobic and noisy tunnel, beats me.
The popular Link services seemed particularly afflicted, but other routes also suffer.
At night in particular, and when it's raining, the advertising obscures the passengers' view to the outside world, leaving tourist and local alike, unable to enjoy the view, and more importantly, to see out and ascertain when their stop is approaching.
NZ Bus and Auckland Transport both consider this acceptable. I invite you to go on Twitter - #BusBetter - if you think otherwise.
