Bob Jones: Stay perfect, George, don't grow up

Congratulating the royal couple on their new son, John Key presumptuously added, "I have no doubt he will grow into a fine young man". Really! Hitler's mother no doubt thought that about baby Adolf. Indeed, all the madnesses reported daily are committed by once delightful children, and in the case of first-born boys, whose mothers thought they'd produced the "second coming". What therefore goes wrong when they grow up? Take recent news items.

Gareth Morgan, for example, is visiting the Korean demilitarised zone to bring peace and unification to the two Koreas. Given his exceptionalism in all things, he will doubtless succeed. He can then ride westward and settle the 60 years stand-off between India and Pakistan, devising a cure for cancer on the way. Having achieved that, the Israeli-Palestinian standoff awaits his input. He will receive a great reception, that region having form in succumbing to self-proclaimed messiahs. Gareth can culminate his peace tour by riding triumphantly into Cairo on his male mid-life crisis-symbolic Harley Davidson, and bring mutual love to the warring factions. My God they're lucky buggers.

Gareth was probably once a nice little boy, whose mother was also doubtless about his future, but today suffers from obsessive attention-seeking syndrome. The subject arose recently over drinks, producing a general consensus that his problem could be solved by acquiring a mistress.

Attention then turned to who else needed this timeless cure-all for blokes going bonkers. "What about the upskirts brigade", suggested one of the women present, referring to the regular reports of vicars and the like, being arrested for filming up women's skirts. "No, no", cried the men in unison, rightly as it transpired, "That cannot be a sexual thing".

Still, in the interest of scientific inquiry, that is for those who consider psychology a science, which it no more is than panel-beating, we sought an explanation to what possible gratification can be achieved by a split-second glimpse of knees, for that, in fact, is all they see. I say that, as in the interest of elucidation we put it to the test with a co-operative foreign lady diplomat lessee in for drinks and our female staff, all wearing a range of dress types.

Lying on the floor and looking up their skirts as they walked past, revealed that the offending vicars have knee fetishes for that is all that can be seen when walking. Scepticism led to this research being peer-reviewed by our female staff who also lay on the floor and duly confirmed our findings.

A barrister could argue that's no crime, after all if the "offender" was taking split-second photos of passing females' faces or feet (another vicar fetish), there would be no complaint. My point, however, is if one could backtrack 40 years or whatever, and tell a proud mum that her then lovely little boy, far from being the "second coming" would one day be arrested for this behaviour, understandably she would be incredulous.

Take a case reported recently from America. A woman entered a toilet cubicle, upped her skirt, downed her pants and was about to sit when she glanced down, only to see a bloke's face looking up.

Another vicar, I imagine you're thinking, but amazingly on this occasion not so. It transpired the culprit had gone to enormous lengths to achieve this capability. That weirdo was once an innocent little boy, so what went wrong and also, why don't women have these compulsions? Perhaps they do but lack the initiative to act on them.

A decade back in Wellington a helmeted and goggled cyclist, pedalling rapidly through the botanical gardens, was grabbing women's buttocks as he passed. Apparently the women objected to this. So powerful was this urge, despite all the publicity and thus risk of being caught, he persisted and was duly nabbed. Again to everyone's amazement, not the usual vicar culprit, but instead a prominent professional firm partner and family man. So why will not baby George Windsor, whose future Key is doubtless about, not one day be doing this stuff? Someone has to.

These issues are serious matters. The media are full of Auckland housing problems which in a few years will be resolved and forgotten. But make no mistake; the vicars, and despite the Prime Minister's assurance, possibly baby George, will still be at it.

A few months ago an expert of some relevant persuasion claimed children under 5 have no concept of evil. Putting aside the poor little souls beaten by scumbag fathers, themselves once sweet innocents, or in war-torn places, it's an interesting proposition.

Why then do things subsequently go haywire? Why do 13-year-old girls suddenly decide they hate their mothers, or well-bred little boys turn into tattooed swill or mass murderers? The fact is we're badly designed, for in a perfect world Peter Pan-like children ideally would never grow up.