And now ... sinners and winners of the year

National leader Don Brash started the year with a bang, winning the Lazarus Award for his Orewa speech on race relations, which sparked new life into a political scene seemingly set for permanent Labour supremacy.

In a further triumph his subsequent performance won the Beach Boys' Smile Award for the longest delayed follow-up (the Smile album began recording in 1967 and was released this year, so Brash has a little time left yet).

The speech inspired Prime Minister Helen Clark to win the Cirque du Soleil Award for performing somersaults on race relations while appearing to stand perfectly still.

Clark also collected the Booksellers Award for being too engrossed in her reading to notice that her motorcade was breaking the speed limit to get her to Christchurch Airport in time to catch a plane.

Michael Cullen decisively won the Men's Lib Award as the only male to hold a senior position in a country where every top job - Prime Minister, Governor-General, Chief Justice, chief executive of the largest company and Speaker - is occupied by a woman. The favourite to win next year is Sir Wilson Whineray.

John Tamihere collected a retrospective award of Golden Handshake of the Year for his previously overlooked efforts in 1998.

Jonathan Hunt retained his title as Minister for Wine and Cheese when he swapped the cushy job as Speaker for the even cushier job as High Commissioner to Britain. Restaurants and taxis in London already expect him to win Patron of the Year in 2005.

Winston Peters continued to show his flair by winning both the Raw Prawn Award for the best free lunch and the Op Shop Trophy for getting the best use out of old clothes.

The Sue Kedgley Nouvelle Cuisine Award went to Qantas for its Live Frog Salad On a Bed of Lettuce served on a flight between Melbourne and Auckland.

The V8 Cup for fastest exit went to John Banks, while the Electoral Commission Trophy for best research went to gays who voted for Dick Hubbard.

As well as winning the Auckland mayoralty, Hubbard took the Cliche Cup for constant repetition of the phrase "He Tangata, He Tangata, He Tangata", thinking it meant "it is people, it is people, it is people", only to find that it stood for "it is Hucker, it is Hucker, it is Hucker."

Internationally, George Dubya Bush was the standout performer. Following his Alexander the Great Award for best war, he collected a Balkans Award for worst peace and then topped it off by taking the Pundits Trophy by proving them wrong and being re-elected after all.

Across the Tasman, Johnny Howard took the Battlers Cup when, thriving on ordinariness, he became the second-longest-serving PM in Australian history.

But it was a tough year for Britain's Tony Blair who, after previously picking up a string of awards, this time only managed the Dentist's Plate for promoting dental hygiene.

Saddam Hussein won the Gillette Trophy with a graphic demonstration of the pitfalls of not shaving.

Russia's President Vladimir Putin won the Margaret Wilson Memorial Bowl for services to business confidence with his efforts on behalf of Russian oil giant Yukos.

Across the Volga, Ukraine's outgoing Prime Minister, Victor Yanukovich, beat some tough competition to win the Joseph Stalin Cup for services to democracy.

But Robert Mugabe took the Horological Society Trophy for his amazing success in sending Zimbabwe racing back to the Stone Age.

Old Middle East rivals Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon were joint winners of the Ploughshares Cup, Arafat by departing the scene, and Sharon by reversing his refusal to give up an inch of conquered land to stay on the scene forever.

Broadcasting provided plenty of interest. Paul Holmes won the Race Relations Award for describing Kofi Annan as "a cheeky darkie".

Bill Ralston claimed the Chainsaw Massacre Award for removing all personalities from TVNZ.

Holmes added yet another trophy with the Winston Churchill Award for changing sides to Prime. Churchill switched from the Tories to the Liberals and back again, observing with his customary panache that anyone could rat, but it took a special person to double-rat.

Judy Bailey won the Great Survivor Award, outlasting her old mate Richard Long, and then unexpectedly showed that it pays to lack personality by snapping up a contract worth $800,000 a year and with it the Big Bucks Award.

Also in showbiz, Keisha Castle-Hughes not only became the youngest actress to win an Oscar nomination but also collected the Water Safety Council's Cement Overcoat Award for riding whales without a lifejacket.

Another teenage sensation, Hayley Westenra, won the Rising Star Award when her album Pure made her already the biggest-selling New Zealand artist of all time as well as making huge sales worldwide.

Peter Jackson, whose trophy cabinet is already overflowing after The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King collected 11 Oscars, won the Order of the Boot for the sixth year for service to the footwear industry.

Cobwebby old U2 won the Golden Oldies Award when their catchily titled new album How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb outpaced all the sexy young things to be international hit of the year. Lead singer Bono also gained the Mission Impossible Award for his efforts to persuade the world to do something about poverty.

The hotly contested Flasher Shield went to Janet Jackson for her boob at the Superbowl.

But perhaps the biggest shock in this year's awards list was the way Barbie snatched the Toyboy Trophy from a glittering line-up of cold-hearted dolly birds by dumping longtime escort Ken for Blaine the Aussie surfer.

Security services around the world emerged from their dark lairs to frolic briefly in the spotlight.

A guest appearance in New Zealand by Mossad agents allowed the Herald to win the 007 Award for the best spy story of the year. The Sunday Star-Times earned the Austin Powers Award for a wonderful spoof about our own SIS spying on Maori radicals.

And the CIA, appearing on behalf of Western intelligence services generally, took out the coveted Our Man in Havana Award for outstanding work on Iraq's WMD.

All Black coach Graham Henry deservedly took the Pulp Fiction Bookends Award, starting the season with a great win over England, ending it with a great win over France, but filling the space between with some very mediocre stuff.

The Black Caps showed up their better-paid rugby counterparts by winning the Consistency Award with an unbroken string of ghastly test performances, though for the first time since 1983 they failed to capture the Choker Trophy for snatching defeat from the very jaws of victory. That went to the Kiwi league team for its performance in the tri-nations contest with Australia and Britain.

Hamish Carter easily won the Comeback Cup with his magnificent win in the Olympic triathlon. Rowing Olympians, the Evers-Swindell twins, added the Looking Glass Award to their gold medals when the boyfriend of one revealed that he couldn't tell the difference between the two sisters.

Yet another gold medallist, Sarah Ulmer, took out the Junk Food Award, showing that you can enjoy a diet of Big Macs and get to the top in world sport.

And the final trophy for the year, the Wet Blanket Award, goes to the Meteorological Service for successfully cancelling summer.