And now for something completely different

Masterton motorsport enthusiast Rex Parker has no illusions about winning when he makes his stock car debut this season. He plans to spend his first season staying off the walls and learning what for him is a completely new sport.
Rex is in the final stages of preparing "The Beast", a Pontiac TransAm Limited Saloon, having stripped the car completely and rebuilt it from the ground up.
He's a bit vague on the car's history, but he does know that it's a potential race-winner and that it's been upside-down. That's because the last time it raced it took the chequered flag while sliding on its roof!
The Limited Saloons are a step down from the "big boys", the methanol-breathing monster Super Saloons. The two classes have raced together in the past, but this year it looks as though Te Marua will have 15 Limited Saloons, including a contingent from Palmerston North, so they will run alone.
Rex, 46, has a long history of motorsport. He did hillclimbs in Morris Minors when he was a schoolboy, then raced speedboats from the ages of 18 or 19 until he was in his early 30s. Interestingly, three current Limited Saloon drivers are men Rex raced against in speedboats. The first car he built was a Chevron sports. He did hillclimbs and some circuit racing in that car, and it still shares the shed with the TransAm.
The Beast is a pure racing machine, consisting of a protective cocoon for the driver, a steel chassis to carry engine, transmission and suspension, and lots of fibreglass to maintain the TransAm illusion.
"It's a bit agricultural, but it's a good solid car to learn in," says Rex.
The engine is a 350 Chev running avgas and the transmission a two-stage Powerglide automatic. The diff ? wait for this ? is Morris Commercial, an increasingly-rare unit which offers the best mix of gearing and robustness.
The suspension is torsion bar all round ? upgraded and independent at the rear ? and at the front Rex has replaced the Torana parts with WB Holden stub axles and brakes.
Understandably, for a vehicle that spends its entire life turning left, every corner is different, tyre circumferences ranging from 88 inches on the left to 96 inches on the right. The only thing they have in common is a 13-inch width. Power steering helps keep the big tyres pointing in the right direction.
Even the tyre pressures vary, 5psi at left front, 6psi front right, 9psi at left rear and 10psi right rear. If it's wet, 1 - 2psi is let out of each of the soft-compound Hoosiers Rex is using.
Setting the car up is so complex ? every car is different ? that Rex is off to a suspension workshop next weekend to learn some of the finer points.
He also has to become involved in a mentor programme for driver training. As part of that his (and all other drivers') health details will be noted and passed on to the ambulance crews who attend each meeting. In the event of an accident ? and racing in the Limited Saloons is supposed to be non-contact ? knowing that Rex is asthmatic will help them help him if needed.
Rex's big dream is to qualify for the Telstra Limited Saloon series, organised by Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams. That is open to the top 15 cars nationwide, with rounds at Wellington and Palmerston North on the weekend of December 26 - 27 and Napier and Stratford on January 1 - 2.
"But, realistically, that's not going to happen until maybe next year," he says.
Until then, he'll be happy to be a midfield runner, learning the car and maybe moving to a later chassis in three or four years.
In the meantime, he hopes to be ready for the season-opener on October 23 or the next meeting the following Saturday.