Addicted to the porn habit

David Duchovny had more in common with his character on 'Californication' than he may have expected. Photo / Supplied

When the main character in TV's Californication meets a porn star while stuck in traffic, they don't actually sleep together – but he gets some free porn.

It is not just David Duchovny's character who is sexually voracious. The actor raised eyebrows when he entered rehab for sex addiction last year.

Male celebrity sex addicts – Michael Douglas is another – elicit an ambivalent blend of derision, admiration, envy and fantasy. The uber-stud who literally can't get enough; the male I-can't-help-myself script taken to its testosterone-soaked extreme – why is he complaining?

We're less kind to women. The sexual addict charge was made by ex-boyfriends of Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse as smirking slurs;
even post-Madonna, "nympho" is the closest to a female version of "stud".

But neither response has anything to do with reality, says Auckland psychotherapist Nathan Gaunt.

Gaunt treats sex addicts who are hooked on porn or, rather, hooked on what it does for them. And often, that's only superficially sexual.

"It's not really the porn that's the problem. It's about using external things … to make you feel better," says Gaunt.

For some, porn becomes their only escape from a stressful, over-busy life.

"The literature talks about the 'trance bubble', or 'intensity bubble'. A lot of people say when they're looking at porn they zone out, like they're not there, they're not themselves for a while.

"Some say they get it out of the way early in the morning so they have got their mind clear."

The underlying problems may be to do with something as unsexy as time management, or low self-esteem, relationship or sexual troubles.

Anecdotally, porn addicts come from all backgrounds, but are more likely to be male than female. And they're not depraved anorak-wearing freaks.

"You can blow that one out of the water," says Auckland psychotherapist Kathryn Barriball. "These people are generally great, conscientious, caring, responsible people in every other area of their lives."

Auckland businessman John, 39, calls himself "Joe normal, your average Kiwi guy".

At the peak of his addiction, he would log on to internet porn at 11pm and not log off until 6am the next morning.

"I now realise that the worse my day was stress-wise, or the more often I fought with my partner, the more likely I was to look at porn.

Afterwards, I usually felt terrible, dirty and guilty. I would tell myself that I should stop, or that it was the last time, but I always found a way back. It was a secret shame, an area of my life that was out of control."

One night, his wife woke and saw porn on his computer while he was out of the room. The next day, he agreed to get help to save the marriage. Post-treatment, he no longer needs porn.

Psychologists still debate whether sex addiction qualifies as a genuine addiction but Gaunt argues that, like gambling, sex can become compulsive. "You get a neurochemical response which is very addictive. It's about being out of control."

According to American expert Patrick Carne, 83 per cent of sex addicts report multiple addictions, including chemical dependency, compulsive spending and eating disorders.

Like any addiction, a porn compulsion can cause other parts of your life to come undone. Gaunt knows of one man who spent $30,000 on online porn over two years.

Addicts in relationships work hard to hide their habit. But once they find out, partners often feel betrayed, insulted, repulsed.

John's wife Sarah, 39, says when she discovered his porn habit, she initially took it personally. "I thought that I was not sexy or good looking enough and that he needed something more. Part of his therapy was
working with me to realise that this was his problem and not about me.

"The pornography problem was also a symptom of other problems. Talking with other wives, I realise this is pretty widespread."

John agrees porn is "not all about sex. I love my wife and have always found her sexually attractive. It's not about that."

Gaunt and Barriball are starting a therapy group for sex addicts next month. They say with treatment, people identify their triggers, address the underlying problems and find other ways to gain what porn was giving
them.

"Often when you do some work around having time out, the porn problem drops away," says Gaunt.

(Some names have been changed.)

* Porn probe

You or someone you know may have a problem with pornography – and no, "problem with pornography" does not mean an intransigent video store clerk.

Answering yes to any of the following questions may be indicative of a pornography problem.

1: Do you look at pornography even if you feel that you shouldn't?

2: Have you tried to stop looking at pornography but have not been able to, or have stopped only to start again?

3: Do you spend more time or money on pornography than you think you should?

4: Do you ever "lose time" when looking at pornography (ie, losing track of time and finding that more time has passed than you realise?)

5: Do you look at pornography as a way of making yourself feel relaxed, less stressed or less anxious, or "decompressed"?

6: Does your use of pornography decrease your sexual interest or sexual performance with your sexual partners?

7: Do you find that the type of pornography you look at is more "hard core" than you would like, or have you ever found yourself looking at illegal pornography?

8: Does your pornography use cause problems in your relationships?

9: Do you ever use pornography instead of going out or socialising with other people?

10: Is your pornography use interfering with the amount of sleep you get, the time spent with partners and family, or your work?

Source: clinical psychologist Nathan Gaunt