New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who turns 40 on July 26. Photo / Getty Images
Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern turns 40 tomorrow. To mark the occasion, Simon Wilson compiled 40 messages for our 40th Prime Minister on her 40th birthday.
1. Heard the one about how if you live a carefree life, you grow old more quickly?
2. Judith Collins said this week that she loves your hair, it's just so glossy. Go on, show her what it looks like in a ponytail.
3. If you'd like to compliment her in return, tell her you love her sincerity.
4. Now that you're 40 and Neve is 2, we hope you realise it's time to learn the words to all the songs of both Frozen movies.
5. Also please add some karaoke to the end of your press conferences. Suggested choices: Drunk in Love, Take the Last Train to Clarksville, Let It Go.
6. Kanye West, Kane Williamson, Phil Twyford: kiss, marry, kill?
7. In a 2017 interview you talked enthusiastically about how you liked to use your "down time" to catch up with friends in cafes, go to music festivals and have weekends away. We feel you. But don't worry, those things will still be there when you retire.
8. You also said you hate the sound of people rustling chippie bags in movies. Another thing waiting for you when this is all over.
9. Ed Sheeran, Meghan Markle, Scott Morrison ... You must think you've already met all the most famous people in the world.
10. Instead of a flag referendum, we would like a New Zealand slogan referendum. Shortlist: We're good thanks; Climb every mountain (and ride every rail trail and eat in every restaurant please, oh pity please); We're so clever we don't have to prove it to you.
11. You're left-handed and wear your watch on your right arm, which - OMG - is just like David Beckham, Rafael Nadal and Steve McQueen! Also Osama bin Laden.
12. It has been said that Donald Trump, Jair Bolsonaro and Boris Johnson are men you wouldn't put in charge of an outbreak of acne. We have it on good authority the world would be very pleased if you were put in charge of them.
13. You grew up in the Waikato and you've talked fondly about bogans - but come on, you were never a bogan.
14. Speaking of Ed Sheeran, you introduced that new citizen test for him: do you like Pineapple Lumps; are you willing to wear Jandals in semi-inappropriate situations; and will you make New Zealand your home? We assume he passed, so please advise which hotel he's isolating in.
15. You're a Leo. Lions are a species where the males lie around getting mangy while the females do all the work. Possibly you knew that.
16. In 1066, at the battle of Hastings, King Harold was killed by the archers of William the Conqueror with an arrow through the eye. Later, Sigourney Weaver battled the Alien almost to the death - and she won. And Arya Stark, a famous left-hander, killed Littlefinger and half the other villains in Game of Thrones. These historical episodes provide useful themes for your advertising material in the forthcoming general election.
17. Daenerys Targaryen, Sansa Stark, Cersei Lannister: kiss, marry, kill?
18. In a 2018 interview on BBC, you said, "It takes courage and strength to be empathetic." Also, we imagine, you need a good breakfast, time in the riot room smashing things and a rom-com on TV every night before bed.
19. Before becoming PM you said you enjoyed a martini "but not dirty". Bet you drink them dirty now.
20. A lot of us look back at the lockdown and think, "Yeah that was all right but now I wish I'd used the time to make a vegetable garden/invent a computer game/learn to play the trumpet or even just clean out the damn fridge." You must be disappointed at how we wasted our lives.
21. Any thought of bringing the lockdown back so we get another chance?
22. And then afterwards, when you announced the start of level 2, you said we should all "space out". That was so confusing.
23. Fifteen hours on a plane next to Iain Lees-Galloway or 15 minutes on the dance floor with David Seymour?
24. You must miss all those "Jacinda's in Labour" jokes from two years ago.
25. Being Prime Minister of New Zealand is probably all right but just imagine what you could have done as Elizabeth I.
26.This just in: Hollywood's hotlist of actors who want to play you in the movie of your life is down to three: Kirsten Stewart, Angelina Jolie, Maggie Smith. Someone's playing the long game there.
27. Seeing as you believe in kindness, you must be wondering, as we are, whether it's possible to kill someone with kindness.
28. Don't tell us who, let us guess.
29. Pōkarekare Ana, Welcome Home, I'll Say Goodbye Even Though I'm Blue. Bet you know all the words to all our national anthems.
30. Before the last election you mentioned a friend had come over and done your washing. "That was embarrassing," you said. If it's easier, remember you can always get a Crown car to take it to them.
31. On Tuesday, Judith Collins asked you in Parliament what happened to Auckland light rail and you said that, as she herself knew well, sometimes the things you really want take more time than you had hoped. Good lesson. Growing older is about learning how to wait while also realising you are running out of time.
32. Winston Peters, James Shaw, Judith Collins. Yeah, we get it. Kiss, marry, that's enough with the violence there is no place for it in politics.
33. We all know you declared climate change was your generation's nuclear-free moment but, seeing as you're 40, you do realise your actual generation is now boomer.
34. You said this week the election is taking the "bare minimum" of your thinking, because of your focus on the Covid response. Eight weeks, Jacinda. Eight weeks.
35. Looking forward to 2021: Year of the Poverty Action Plan!
36. Tax is love. Practise saying it in the mirror.
37. We've noticed Clarke flexes his independence muscle from time to time. You should suggest he DJs at a National Party Conference.
38. Neve must never be allowed to go into politics.
39. Happy birthday but don't take it for granted yet. You will know you've really, finally made it when: Annie Leibovitz takes your photo, every child you meet says "I want to be you" and Twitter bans the use of "Cindy".
40. Go on, you'd do it all again in a heartbeat.
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