Nordic countries are just too nice and peaceful - Dave Mollard

It's not just Norway's epic scenery that has Dave Mollard feeling a little jealous, but also the fact it and other Nordic countries seem to consistently score highly on various lists. Photo / Unsplash

Dave Mollard is a Palmerston North community worker and social commentator.

OPINION

I have a beef with the Nordic countries - or should I say I have a medium-rare reindeer steak with Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Iceland and, of course, the worst offender, Finland.

It is not their beautiful scenery, fjords or fish-based delicacies that annoy me. It’s the fact they often beat us on the good lists.

Finland is less corrupt, Norway tops the Social Progress Index, Sweden is the most progressive and the Danish… well, the Danish are the Danish. Usually, Aotearoa hovers in the top 10 of any good list, but we don’t often make it to number one on these tables.

If you think about how those Nordic countries have gone from producing the Viking hordes that ravaged Europe, landed in America long before Columbus and slowed down the progress of Western civilisation for centuries to winning awards for their peace and low levels of corruption, and that they’re now spreading Lego, Ikea and pastries instead of axe strokes to the head, it’s a pretty good character arc. But I still resent them.

Recently, the Global Peace Index was published and our motu came in at number four behind Austria, Ireland and the most peaceful country on Earth - yes, a Nordic country - Iceland.

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I’m proud to live in a land of peace where we don’t reach for our patu, swords or guns when things don’t go our way, but I would be even more proud if we were number one.

So I have a plan.

All we need to do is create a diplomatic incident between the nations of Iceland and Ireland, possibly a small-scale naval skirmish somewhere in the Norwegian Sea, and we will be bumped up to second place.

Iceland and Ireland are basically neighbours, with only 1400km of the Atlantic Ocean separating them - which, interestingly enough, is home to an ever-decreasing population of mackerel fish. Both nations are rivals in catching these salty snacks, so all we need to do is pay a couple of trawler captains to breach the other nations’ fishing spots and the rest will take care of itself.

Next, we can plot the downfall of those Tyrolean classical musical-listening, wiener schnitzel-eating Austrians to take the top slot. Maybe changing the climate so all their glaciers melt might trigger some internal tensions?

What kind of name is Iceland, anyway? How little thought went into naming a country after a state or body of water? Oh, wait a second... New Zealand, the “Land of the Long White Cloud”?

Maybe we had better concentrate on further building our own peace in Godzone instead. As the political extremes move further away from each other around the globe, it’s a reminder to us Kiwis that occupying the centre and listening to each other is a pretty good way of maintaining peace.