Judith Lacy's Jottings: Palmy's in the money and the decisions are dandy

With $1 billion surely we could stop one of Palmy's premier spots looking like this. Photos / Judith Lacy

Opinion

Thims, Palmy's first cat, jumped on his servant's face.

"Wake up, wake up," he meowed urgently.

The city's first man woke, unimpressed. Thims was thrusting his tablet in his servant's face. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, the city's first man read his master's Patter feed.

Palmy had won Clotto, Australasia's lottery for local government. A cool $1 billion was coming the way of his council.

He tickled Thims under this chin and began waking his team of 15.

Rutherford rejoiced. Barrett, Baty and Butt beamed. Bowen, too. Dennison and Dingwall were delighted, Johnson joyful, Handcock and Hapeta happy. Meehan and Mickalad marvelled at the city's good fortune. Findlay was festive, Petrenas peppy and Naylor was nursing a magnificent smile.

An urgent council meeting was called for 5am. Everyone turned up.

With such a gold mine, surely the first course of action would be dealing with those trees in The Square the pooping birds loved so much. So as not to ruffle anyone's feathers, the trees were replaced with fake ones. Only the pooping birds could tell the difference and they kept away. The footpaths and vehicles of unsuspecting motorists were now delightfully free of poo. The money saved from regular water-blasting of the footpaths went to removing lichen, moss and algae from here, there and everywhere.

On a roll with the poo wins, $345 million was spent on groundbreaking technology. Robotic hands were inserted underneath all the popular dog-walking paths. Whenever a pooch's owner didn't clean up the deposits, a hand would appear beneath their feet, pick up the mess and insert it in the owner's pocket.

Next on the agenda was catering to those whose limited mobility means they cannot enjoy He Ara Kohati, the walkway to Linton and eel feeding like everyone else. Trackless trains appeared from deep within the Esplanade and walking frames were thrown skyward as residents rejoiced.

A magic ingredient was added to the cream produced at Makomako Rd and every resident could now smooth the paste on any trip lips and potholes they discovered. Poof, the surfaces were as smooth as the first baby's bottom.

Now residents could get around the city more easily, the council turned to cerebral matters. It would fund night-school classes for all. The subjects would range from basic Samoan language, Indian food made easy and how to start an online business, to metal sculpture, understanding Islam and the art of korowai.

Thims was especially impressed with the chef 101 beginners course his servant took. The quality of dinners at the first house skyrocketed.

Finally, the pièce de résistance. Every scientist in the city was given a retainer of $1 million and after two days, 10 hours and 45 minutes had the solution. Massive pillows were placed around the city's boundaries to ensure Palmy never experienced anything stronger than a gentle zephyr. Pillows was short for Palmy Is Loving Loving Our Weather, Suckers

. Those who had labelled the city a windy swamp were suddenly choking on fur balls.

Thims refreshed his Patter feed and realised there was no North at the end of Palmerston in the Clotto announcement. He was too busy dining on fillet steak and posting photos on Meowrat to care.

+ Consultation on the council's 10-Year Plan closes on Friday, May 14.