Judith Lacy’s Jottings: New Zealand needs a Minister for Feline Affairs

How to Tell If Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You will be banned and all existing copies burned. Photo / Judith Lacy

OPINION

As soon as the servant lifted the blind and I settled on my suburban surveillance sofa, I knew change was a-paw.

Two men in suits have appeared on a prominent fence visible from my house; they are swimming in a sea of blue Corflute and wearing blue ties.

They want my vote, but in an act that contravenes every principle under the sun, moon and stars, I am not allowed to put my paw against my favoured candidate or party.

To remedy this outrageous discrimination, I have told the servant to vote for the party that proposes to introduce a Minister for Feline Affairs. So far there are none, but these paw-ings will surely change that.

There are ministers for horses, cows, sheep, trees and fish, but not for the most superior animal of all.

First up, forget removing GST from fruit and vegetables. Cats don’t eat these foods, so what is the point? No, we need to remove GST from cat food and treats of all kinds.

For too long, law enforcement agencies have neglected their duty to make the country a better place for cats. Any householder refusing to feed a cat, wherever it lives, will be put in the stocks for 12 hours and people will line up to throw kitty litter at them. Free gloves will be supplied to the throwers.

Climate change is a serious concern for cats, as all this rain makes us grumpy. Anyone caught driving a motor vehicle, except for the express purpose of taking a cat to the doctor, dentist or beauty therapist, will be made to walk a dog around The Square nine times.

The clever clogs among you will have noticed I didn’t mention catteries. Oh no siree, they will be banned. If you are privileged to have a cat in your life, the taxpayer will pay for a minder if you need to go away. Think of how many jobs this will create.

The primary school curriculum will be changed so What Cats Want: An illustrated guide for truly understanding your cat becomes compulsory reading.

How to Tell If Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You will be banned and all existing copies burned.

New Zealand has a glaring absence of chief mousers. Larry has been chief mouser to the Cabinet Office at 10 Downing St since 2011. We need an equally elevated position at the Beehive - which, by the way, should be renamed Cattower.

But let’s not stop there. Every city, district and regional council needs a chief mouser. Their duties won’t be limited to catching rodents, though. They will also be comfort animals for anyone who needs a smooch. If a politician is waffling, the chief mouser will gently tap their mouth while simultaneously being available for stroking by those trying to stay awake.

Helping the minister implement all these policies will be the Ministry for Feline Affairs.

It will be primarily staffed by cats and play an important role in making sure humans are not using their felines for monetary gain. Every servant will need to get their feline’s permission before making TikTok videos starring them.

Before a video is posted, it will be screened by a ministry staffer and any infantile or objectionable content will be removed. Think whiney voices and baby talk.

For a time, Palmerston was the chief mouser at the British Foreign Office in London. Now there’s a name to be proud of.

Palmerston for Minister for Feline Affairs.

Maysie Belle Lacy is a 4-year-old tabby who lives in Palmerston North. Her servant is Judith Lacy.