OPINION:
Skills shortage here, skills shortage there, skills shortage everywhere.
With employees in demand, the unemployment rate the lowest since modern records began and Staff Wanted signs popping up everywhere, it's time to rethink model answers to common interview questions.
Grab the upper hand, mere mortals, and forget quaking in your platform heels. Ditch the tie and make dry retching solely for what's at the back of your fridge.
So, here we go.
Q: Why do you want to work for Cat Corporation?
A: I heard the vending machine often malfunctions and you get three for free. Plus, you still give your staff business cards. Always handy for draws at networking events. Oh yes, also five-ply toilet paper.
Q: What are your strengths?
A: I can deadlift 150kg and bench press 200kg, plus I can watch Netflix for seven hours straight without needing to use the bathroom.
Q: And your weaknesses?
A: What an insulting question. I have none.
[What about egotism?]
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Advertise with NZME.Q: Why should we hire you?
A: Because I'm simply the best, we don't need another hero, and you better be good to me.
[Tina Turner is so last century.]
Q: What's something positive your current employer would say about you?
A: Good riddance. Oh, and I'll miss your chocolate cake.
[This is a healthy workplace.]
Q: What are your salary expectations?
A: Double what you earn.
Q: How do you handle stress?
A: I don't. There won't be any stress in this job, will there?
[You are applying to be a herder of cats.]
Q: Tell me about a time when you had to meet a deadline?
A: I got here on time didn't I?
[No, you were 15 minutes late.]
Q: What is your greatest professional achievement?
A: Getting this interview.
Q: What do you know about our company?
A: Your logo is a black and white cat, with oversized whiskers.
Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: In a mirror.
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Advertise with NZME.Q: What work environments do you like best?
A: Ones with plenty of couches for daytime naps, valet parking and luxury toiletries.
Q: How do you handle conflict in the workplace?
A: With a blow-up plastic hammer and gin in the water cooler.
Q: What do you do to relax?
A: I like drinking pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. I'm not sure I have half a brain though.
[Finally, some personal insight.]
Q: Do you have any questions for us?
A: Can you tell payroll I started last week?
Maysie, what are you doing? Get off my computer now!
Too late Mummy, I've already pressed send.
Maysie, you're fired. Now clean up that fur you've left on the keyboard.
It's the real jotter here. Cyber security is obviously not a strength of mine.
When I taught English to former refugees one of the classes I ran was jobs. One of the best tools was worst job interview skits. There's a slew of them online. While the students didn't understand all the English, they could read the facial expressions and body language, and observe how people sat and what they wore.
If you need cheering up as winter marches resolutely on, have a look.
We'd have great fun working out what was an acceptable reason for lateness and for needing a day off work.
Most of the students had come from cultures where you went to a corner each day and a foreman may or may not hire you for construction work and where the women worked at home, perhaps doing sewing or eyebrow threading.
And here's something you didn't know about me until now. I was once 20 minutes late for a job interview - my dream job in fact, but I still got the job. But don't try that at the workplace.
Now to find Maysie.
