Day 3: Ask the 12-year-old at the supermarket for a booklet of stamps only for him to not know what you are talking about.
Day 4: Sit under a tree and have a good cry for all those who won’t be at your table this year.
Day 5: Head to Trade Aid for all your shopping. While there keep away from the chocolate.
Day 6: Watch Love Actually for the 11th time but fast forward through all the scenes with Sarah in them. Does that woman not know how to throw a phone out the window? Mark Darcy does.
Day 7: Ask Elon Musk for an invisible doggy bag.
Day 8: Using said doggy bag, stock up large for those lean January days at the mayor’s Christmas party.
Day 9: Spend two hours trying to find your Secret Santa recipient a gift that looks way more expensive than it is.
Day 10: Fret all afternoon wondering why Secret Santa gave you gobstoppers.
Day 11: Stand on your head and wonder if that will make it snow.
Day 12: Give your cat an extra pat. After all, you are horizontal all day after yesterday’s escapade.
Day 13: Finally find the reindeer that passes for a Christmas tree in your house. Discover half its face is missing as you stored it incorrectly last year.
Day 14: Decide to save money by not buying your cat a Christmas present this year. Give her wrapping paper instead of the usual council agendas to play with.
Day 15: Receive a Christmas card and newsletter from a long-lost friend and decide maybe these festive frolics aren’t so bad after all.
Day 16: Spend most of the day comparing your life to that of your long-long friend. Don’t like what you find.
Day 17: Spend the day under the duvet. It’s not Christmas yet, there’s oodles of time to get organised.
Day 19: Oops, what happened there? Remember you are not eating sugar so skip the mince pies for a solid meat pie at Double Shotz Cafe.
Day 20: Head to the Renaissance Singers’ Carols for Christmas and realise you left your reading glasses at home. Oh well, you aren’t exactly Susan Boyle.
Day 21: Try to find a decent Christmas movie on Netflix and end up watching Love Actually for the 12th time. This time, also skip all scenes with Colin.
Day 22: Wonder what Hugh Grant’s doing for Christmas?
Day 23: Start panicking about winter. The summer solstice has been and gone and the countdown is on to the shortest day of the year.
Day 24: It’s nearly here. Just don’t say the C word. Silent night and all.
Day 25: Wake up at 11am and go to sleep at 3.30pm.
Day 26: You have just read the jottings (rantings?) of a woman who hasn’t had Christmas at her place since 2016 and then it was only a table for two.
