Judith Lacy’s Jottings: A calorie-free Advent calendar

Tick your pet off your shopping list by giving them Christmas paper from last year. Just be prepared to clean up the mess. Photo / Supplied

OPINION:

It’s December 1 and Her Serene Highness Countess Christmas has decreed you can start thinking about Christmas now.

She is feeling extra generous this year and has come up with an alternative Advent calendar just for you. No chocolate was harmed in the making of this calendar and no calories will be gained.

Day 1: Proudly stick your copy of this calendar on the fridge.

Day 2: Buy a Lions Christmas cake and slosh it with brandy.

Day 3: Ask the 12-year-old at the supermarket for a booklet of stamps only for him to not know what you are talking about.

Day 4: Sit under a tree and have a good cry for all those who won’t be at your table this year.

Day 5: Head to Trade Aid for all your shopping. While there keep away from the chocolate.

Day 6: Watch Love Actually for the 11th time but fast forward through all the scenes with Sarah in them. Does that woman not know how to throw a phone out the window? Mark Darcy does.

Day 7: Ask Elon Musk for an invisible doggy bag.

Day 8: Using said doggy bag, stock up large for those lean January days at the mayor’s Christmas party.

Day 9: Spend two hours trying to find your Secret Santa recipient a gift that looks way more expensive than it is.

Day 10: Fret all afternoon wondering why Secret Santa gave you gobstoppers.

Day 11: Stand on your head and wonder if that will make it snow.

Day 12: Give your cat an extra pat. After all, you are horizontal all day after yesterday’s escapade.

Day 13: Finally find the reindeer that passes for a Christmas tree in your house. Discover half its face is missing as you stored it incorrectly last year.

Day 14: Decide to save money by not buying your cat a Christmas present this year. Give her wrapping paper instead of the usual council agendas to play with.

Day 15: Receive a Christmas card and newsletter from a long-lost friend and decide maybe these festive frolics aren’t so bad after all.

Day 16: Spend most of the day comparing your life to that of your long-long friend. Don’t like what you find.

Day 17: Spend the day under the duvet. It’s not Christmas yet, there’s oodles of time to get organised.

Day 19: Oops, what happened there? Remember you are not eating sugar so skip the mince pies for a solid meat pie at Double Shotz Cafe.

Day 20: Head to the Renaissance Singers’ Carols for Christmas and realise you left your reading glasses at home. Oh well, you aren’t exactly Susan Boyle.

Day 21: Try to find a decent Christmas movie on Netflix and end up watching Love Actually for the 12th time. This time, also skip all scenes with Colin.

Day 22: Wonder what Hugh Grant’s doing for Christmas?

Day 23: Start panicking about winter. The summer solstice has been and gone and the countdown is on to the shortest day of the year.

Day 24: It’s nearly here. Just don’t say the C word. Silent night and all.

Day 25: Wake up at 11am and go to sleep at 3.30pm.

Day 26: You have just read the jottings (rantings?) of a woman who hasn’t had Christmas at her place since 2016 and then it was only a table for two.