Dave Mollard’s Change is Constant: I tried really hard to boycott the Fifa World Cup

The Football Ferns will square off against the world's best on home turf next July. Photo / Photosport

OPINION:

It’s finally over! I tried to boycott the men’s football World Cup over the absurdity of hosting it in Qatar, a small ultra-conservative desert-like country without a deep history of supporting the beautiful game.

My boycott would have been a massive blow to Fifa, had I not been so weak as to sneak a few highlights (or lowlights) viewings - and even went live for the penalty shootouts.

I didn’t want Argentina to win because of their appalling behaviour towards their vanquished foes from the Netherlands and their constant bullying of referees. I didn’t want le France to win either, despite my French whakapapa, because they were the current champions. Once Morocco got knocked out, I lost most of my interest in the world’s biggest sporting event.

The fat cats at Fifa HQ should still be concerned about my feelings, because I’m proposing something that will absolutely take away their ill-gotten power. My proposal is so bold, so outside the box, I may have to start watching my back as the deep state agents try to silence me.

Aotearoa New Zealand should put in a bid to host the Fifa World Cup! Our bid will be called the “Transparent World Cup”. We won’t accept any bribes, we are after all one of the least corrupt people on this planet. We won’t build any special infrastructure that will kill thousands, wreck the environment and bankrupt us, not just from the build costs, but also from the ongoing maintenance of these white elephants.

We will allow all sexual identities, religions and creeds to participate as spectators as long as you can afford the sky-high ticket and accommodation price and promise not to shout any racist or prejudiced chants. We will sell beer at the stadiums to anyone who wants warm, over-priced generic ale and, of course, we will promote good sportsmanship. If the player dives, acts injured, or speaks or acts harshly to officials, they will immediately be red-carded.

It will be a display of the world’s best footballers playing for the joy and honour of representing their country in the game they love, supported by true fans who feel the same.

Come to think of it, apart from the ticket and accommodation prices, in the middle of 2023 we are already going to do this when we co-host the Fifa Women’s World Cup, with nine games being played just two hours down the road at the Cake Tin!

Let’s all celebrate the truly beautiful game without all the issues, bad behaviour and prejudices of the men’s game by supporting our World Cup and all the wāhine toa who compete in it!

• Dave Mollard is a Palmerston North community worker and social commentator.