There are a lot of nice guys out there who are accidentally bad husbands, says a blogger who is trying to help men restore trust in their marriages. Photo / 123rf
There are a lot of nice guys out there who are accidentally bad husbands, says a blogger who is trying to help men restore trust in their marriages. Photo / 123rf
If lockdown taught us anything, it's that couples can have petty fights about anything and everything.
But what if that small petty fight about socks on the floor, or dishes in the sink led to divorce?
Matthew Fray claims that very scenario is what led to the end of his13-year-long marriage.
Writing for the Sun, Fray shared how his wife, and mother to his 4-year-old son, declared she had enough.
Fray first shared what happened in January 2016, in a blog post called "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink."
The post went viral, being read more than three million times in a month, and inundating Fray with emails from across the world.
Fray believes if he had helped with housework and not been a "serial invalidator", he and his wife would still be together. Photo / 123rf
Fray claimed he tried to help his wife around the house, doing tasks like a load of laundry.
"I tried to help my wife around the house, so I thought. I'd wash a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and maybe even fold the clothes too," Fray shared.
He also added that he felt his ex-wife was "unfair" when she got upset over an open ink pen he left in her jeans, which caused a stain.
"Once I left an ink pen in the pocket of her jeans. She got really mad about that. Like, really mad. I thought she was being unfair again, as it was an honest mistake. If she had accidentally got ink stains on my clothes, I'd never have been this angry.
"I'd never be this mean to you over an accident, I thought."
Fray added that he always believed he was "a nicer person than my wife" and that he held the moral high ground.
"My self-identity was one of being kind. So when she would angrily talk to me about something upsetting her, I was quick to defend myself against what I perceived to be unfair attacks.
"There are a lot of nice guys out there who are accidentally bad husbands."
What finally led to the end of his marriage came in the form of drinking glasses left next to the sink.
"I was unable to make any sort of meaningful connection between the drinking glass I would leave next to the sink and the depths of frustration, anger and sadness that it would incite in my wife," Fray shared.
Fray had such an overwhelming reaction to the post, that he has now started online one-on-one coaching conversations about "emotional labour" - a term Fray said he hadn't encountered until that post went viral. Fray mainly works with men, trying to restore trust in their marriages.
"The most common thing I see is that instead of listening to their partner, digesting the information and caring about why they feel bad, men tend to invest their energy in one of three ways.
"They dispute the facts of the story their partner just told; agree with the facts, but believe their partner is overreacting; or defend their actions by explaining why they did it."
There are a lot of nice guys out there who are accidentally bad husbands, says a blogger who is trying to help men restore trust in their marriages. Photo / 123rf
He admits men don't often recognise the taxing mental toll organising multiple people and a household can have on a partner, revealing he was exhausted after his wife moved out.
He also admits without his ex-wife's help even after they divorced, he'd have forgotten parent-teacher interviews, sent their son to school in the wrong clothes and probably forgot to help with homework.
While Fray says men often tell their partners to tell them what to do and they'll do it, he says they fail to realise other halves want to be your partner, not your mother.
Despite his heartbreaking divorce, Fray says it has taught him how to be a better partner, what parts of the relationship men to take more notice of, and hopes his experience can help save other marriages.
"Sure, I still fall short, but, finally, I am someone who is at least aware there are things happening in my blind spots that are affecting other people.
Now I'm a better partner to my son's mother in divorce than I ever was during marriage. I wish a different outcome for you. The happily ever after kind."
