Why you shouldn't pity the woman who threw poo out the window on date

If you've missed the story of the unfortunate woman who got trapped in a window while trying to retrieve the poo she'd lobbed out of it during a date, then where have you been?

It's arguably the funniest thing that has happened on the internet and a much-needed breath of fresh air.

To summarise: after a meal at Nando's, the woman and her Tinder date went back to his place. She went for a cistern-blocking poo and - in panic mode - threw it out of a window, where it fell into a narrow gap between two windows. She had to be rescued by firefighters after getting stuck in said window while trying to retrieve the poo, reports the Telegraph.

One of the best things about the sorry tale (once I'd stopped crying with laughter - it's one that gets funnier the more you think about it) was how it seemed to prompt other women to spill the beans about the mad things they've done to avoid having a bodily function during the early days of a relationship.

Because, we've all been there, to some extent.

For the first year that I dated my ex, I refused to poo in his house. When I stayed over for a weekend, I would claim that I needed cigarettes, walk to local Wetherspoons pub, use the facilities and then return. After a few months, I'm pretty sure the staff considered calling the authorities.

This habit only stopped when the boyfriend in question brought me a brick of cigarettes back from holiday. He was confused by my horrified reaction (having thought I'd be pleased) and so I had to confess the truth about my poo pilgrimages. To say that he was appalled would be an understatement.

So often, such tales sound apocryphal - dating urban legends that happened to a "friend of a friend". We all know someone who's popped a poo in their handbag, or thrown the offending waste out of the window - only for it to land on the conservatory window. Right?

Which is why, when they turn out to be true, we react with hilarity and shock. Indeed, #PooDateGate might just turn out to be the new "penis beaker" - with photos.

On a road trip with a different boyfriend, I decided it would be best to dehydrate myself for 12 hours before we left so that I wouldn't have to ask him to pull over for an emergency wee - something I ended up confessing when I nearly fainted.

I'd always assumed that I was alone in my craziness. Happily, I am not.

Serious damage was caused to the window after the rescue took place. Photo / Liam Smith

"I blocked my boyfriend's loo with a tampon," one friend told me. "I thought I could fix it by sticking my arm down the bowl and groping around while flushing. He found me lying on the floor with one arm down his toilet, sobbing. Despite being caught red handed, I maintained for the next year that I'd found it that way."

Another acquaintance told me (still blushing at the memory) that she once pooed in a boyfriends' loo and, having been unable to flush it, found herself forcing it down the drain of the shower.

She didn't realise until several years later that the plastic grid over the top of the drain could be removed, so it was a task that involved, she explained "quite some pushing".

"I poured a load of bleach down afterwards, and some hot water. But it flooded a few days later and everything came back up. All the housemates blamed each other, and now some of them don't speak."

According to dating and relationship expert Vix Meldrew, such mad behaviour is more common than we think.

"When we're meeting new people it's almost like interviewing for a job - we present perfect versions of ourselves to secure the 'contract'. We've all told prospective employers exaggerated things about ourselves, and the same is with partners. We want to hide anything we deem to be less than perfect - body hair, body fluids and less 'normal' aspects of our personalities."

So if you've ever hidden an unflushable poo in your handbag, or lobbed a used tampon out of a window because you can't admit to the person you're dating that you've got a normally functioning human body? You're not weird.

But is trying to be "perfect" only a problem if your poo ends up wedged between two windows?

Relationship expert Allison Reiner explains: "The biggest pitfalls in any relationship is one partner constantly striving for perfection. Keeping up the facade you have created is impossible in the long term and can lead to your partner feeling cheated - you aren't who he believed you to be."

So, tempting as it might be to start a new relationship by creating a bodily function mirage, it's best avoided. It might seem like you're doing your new partner a favour by shielding them from reality, but in truth you're probably underestimating them.

Any man worth dating would rather confront the reality that you have bowel movements, than have you feel panicked, ashamed - and having to call the fire brigade.

Telegraph