Why you shouldn't have your ex on Facebook

A recent survey shows social media has been implicated in a third of all divorce filings. Photo / Getty Images

During a rough patch in her marriage, one woman started messaging an old boyfriend on Facebook. Within a year she was divorced. And she's not the only one.

Kathy* was going through a rough patch in her 12-year marriage and, to avoid being with her husband, she spent every evening on Facebook.

However, she wasn't spending hours innocently looking at her friends' Fiji holiday photos — she was messaging her ex-boyfriend.

"I got curious one night about my ex from years ago who had moved to London. I sent him a friend request and he replied right away, saying that he never really stopped thinking about me. He was also unhappily married and we wrote at length about our marriage problems and what we disliked about our partners," Kathy said.

As the messages became more and more personal, Kathy, 39, found herself addicted to being in contact with him and, once her husband and kids were asleep, she'd often be up until the early hours of the morning. Little did she know, reigniting interest in this man from her past would herald the end of her marriage, which would be over in less than a year.

"My husband started to ask me what I'm doing on my laptop at night and I told him I was just reconnecting with my old school girl friends. But he got suspicious and one night I'd forgotten to log out of my computer, he went on my Facebook, found all the messages and confronted me," Kathy said.

Kathy and her husband started marriage counselling for a while, but she couldn't resist resuming contact with her old boyfriend.

"Nothing was really going to happen between me and my ex — he never said he was going to leave his wife for me — but when my husband caught me out a second time messaging my ex about my problems with him, that was the last straw. He said he could no longer trust me and our marriage was over."

It's no secret that many people get up to no good on social media, connecting with former flings and reaching out to people they might not have the courage to approach face-to-face.

Is social media to blame?

A recent survey by the UK's DivorceOnline revealed social media has been implicated in a third of all divorce filings. According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, over 80 per cent of divorce attorneys have reported a rise in the number of divorces linked to Facebook.

Although Australia - or New Zealand - has no official studies, it's clear from the UK and US research that many relationship breakdowns are the result of people indulging in "sketchy" social media behaviour.

Queensland lawyer Marie Fedorov told news.com.au she is seeing more and more cases where the end of a relationship started with a simple act of checking social media and reconnecting with old flames.

"Social media provides a platform to stumble across or look for new potential partners, often resulting in the end of relationships. There are also people out there that 'friend request' potential flings and one thing leads to another," Ms Fedorov said.

"Jealousy also plays a part as they may see photos of a weekend away where their spouse was having a great time while they're stuck at home with the kids. Or their partner might post photos of friends but not of them. I've seen arguments erupt about these types of trivial issues, however, usually those situations have more to the story than just that and they become the straw that broke the camel's back."

Professor in digital media at QUT Axel Bruns said it doesn't take much to reignite a former romance on Facebook.

"You might get a notification that it's the birthday of a former partner and you might be tempted to check up on what they've been up to. Then you might send a message and, before you know it, you're back together," Prof Bruns said.

"Also, you might have met somebody just a few times, you don't know them very well, but you send them a friend request. Then, when you see that you have the same kind of interests, or similar political views, you might want to get to know them better.

"Social media makes us more aware of what everyone is up to and while it can help us drift away from people we don't agree with, it brings us closer to casual acquaintances too."

Facebook and the former colleague

Murray*, 41, who had been married for five years, told news.com.au he used social media to reach out to a former work colleague.

"We were 'just friends' but after a couple of weeks of exchanging personal messages it became clear we wanted more from each other. She had recently divorced and was telling me that she's really happy being single and there were several guys 'after her'. Then, when she started posting photos of herself out on dates with men, it made me feel a bit jealous. So I let her know I had feelings for her," Murray said.

They had a "brief affair" and while Murray claims his wife never found out, it still led to the breakdown of his marriage.

"The affair turned me into a bit of a monster at home due to feelings of guilt and also wanting to be with my lover. As a result, my wife left me. My lover also ended our affair so I found myself on my own."

Ms Fedorov said with social media being such a major factor of our lives, it's very easy for people to become lost in it.

"It's become natural to have a phone in your hand while spending one-on-one time with our partners. While it feels harmless, people are becoming more focused on screens than the people in front of them and I'm seeing couples who've drifted apart from their partners as they lose a genuine, real-life connection."

* Names have been changed for privacy.