Warning, controversial opinion ahead. Are you ready for it. Okay …
Tinder is dead.
Yes, RIP Tinder. Goodbye to the app that launched a million one-night stands and, actually, quite a few relationships.
When Tinder first entered our single stratosphere way back in 2012, we would sneak on, have a little look around, whilst completely denying that we had joined.
"What?! I don't need a dating app, I was just showing a friend!"
Then we threw ourselves into dates based purely off pictures and very brief text exchange. How many times did we all sit down next to the person we matched with and instantly think "nope"?
Fairly quickly, it stopped seeming desperate but actually proactive to be on Tinder. Boys stopped picking up us in bars and, instead, we all entered a pub, changed our location preferences to the shortest distance and quickly worked out where the closest single person was within our vicinity.
It got to the point where we would just see the same faces staring back at us as we carelessly swiped left and right.
Now before you all slide into my DM's with stories about your cousin who ended up marrying their Tinder date, trust me I KNOW! We've all heard the fairytales, but I still maintain, Tinder is dead.
How do I know? Let me explain …
At a recent girls' dinner we were swapping dating app stories and after a quick tally, it turns out Tinder stood out as the cesspit of f***boys.
There was the guy I was dating for a month or so who had a house party and decided to invite all the girls he had met on the app. It was like he was trying to host his own Bachelor TV show, we just weren't informed that we were the girls vying to be the winner.
Once we all realised that we were all dating him, because as if we all weren't going to find out, there was a mass exodus and plenty of grovelling texts from him afterwards. What a douche!
My friend discovered her stepbrother was on the app. Her MARRIED stepbrother.
Another friend went on a date with a Tinder guy whose girlfriend slid into her DMs to inform her that he lived with her and they were expecting a child!
Let's then have a look at the other apps … Bumble is quirky and fun. Girls get to make the first move (how bold!). Hinge is interesting, there are plenty of unique questions that allow you to get a feel for the other person's personality and interests.
Tinder, however, it just feels like that seedy late-night bar people go to when they're just looking for some action.
These days you are not only likely to run into a few ex boyfriends on Tinder, but also your uncle or your newly-divorced former schoolteacher.
Tinder is based purely on aesthetics and if this pandemic has taught us anything, it's that a bloke with a cute face and tight abs won't keep us entertained during weeks of lockdown. We need more.
We need a feel for their personality before we waste a good dress, nice make-up and the cost of an Uber ride for a night out with the wrong person. We need an app that introduces us to more than just a picture of someone. Too many boring dates with someone who took a nice photo has taught us that.
With a group of savvy, smart, funny girlfriends, it's rare that I will hear any of them say they met a bloke on Tinder. Why? Because it's become the MySpace of the apps. Rest in peace.
Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking