If your relationship feels strained right now - and just the sight of your other half’s strewn jandals fills you with rage - you might not be alone.
After all, for most of the year, you spend your dayslargely apart; you both have your own routines, time and space. Then, suddenly, summer holidays arrive and you are suddenly in each other’s space. All the time.
Add to that being thrust into environments that aren’t your norm, like childhood bedrooms at their parents’ place over Christmas, on planes, or sweltering in a campground tent.
Suddenly everything your partner does is driving you crazy.
Maybe they ate that last bit of ham you’d eyed up for lunch, spend their days curating their imprint on the couch, or have revealed their directional blindness when navigating country roads on the way to your summer Airbnb.
While you anticipated the weeks after Christmas would be a much needed reset, suddenly you are dreaming about your commute and being locked in an office all day.
According to Auckland-based relationship counsellor and coach Cathy Comber, it’s important people understand the balance between the solitude we sometimes need to recover from the hectic festive season, and the togetherness that brings laughter and joy.
“Tension often arises because people need these things at different times - what feels like a much-needed break for one person can feel like distancing to another, and what feels like festive fun to some can feel overwhelming to others,“ says Comber.
The key is recognising and accepting these differences without judging them as selfishness or inability to cope. She notes the Christmas and summer break compresses a lot of expectations into a short timeframe.
“People are often tired from the year, routines disappear, financial stress can increase, and there’s social pressure to be happy, relaxed and grateful. At the same time, people bring very different needs into this period – some crave connection and activity, while others need rest and quiet."
The couples therapist says tension then arises when unspoken expectations collide.
Maybe one person hoped the holidays would repair distance or create special memories, while the other was simply trying to recover from burnout. Add extended family, children being at home full-time, and limited personal space, and small differences can quickly feel personal.
“For people who already experience loneliness, being surrounded by others can paradoxically make those feelings sharper, especially if they don’t feel emotionally understood or seen,” Comber says.
It can be a hard pill to swallow for some, working all year towards this precious time off, only to find it doesn’t quite look how you might have hoped.
So if you and your partner have found yourselves in this position, what can couples do to navigate the feelings and tension that arises?
According to Comber, the key is letting go of the idea that holidays should feel a certain magical way.
“Disappointment often comes from comparing reality to an imagined version of how things should be. It helps to focus on flexibility and repair – asking, ‘What do we need right now?’ rather than ‘Why isn’t this working?’
“Couples benefit from checking in with each other rather than assuming shared expectations. Simple conversations like, ‘What would help this feel okay today?’ can prevent resentment.
“It’s also important to remember that meaningful moments are often small and unplanned. A single calm conversation, shared laugh, or moment of understanding can matter more than a perfectly executed holiday.”
She says recognising different needs, communicating without blame and allowing space for connection and separateness are key.
“When people feel permitted to be human rather than festive-perfect, and are treated with respect, pressure eases and relationships tend to fare much better,” says Comber.
There are practical steps you can take to open those doors to communicating their needs, Comber says. A helpful starting point is normalising that exact conversation and the human need for space.
“Wanting time alone doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner or family; it usually means your nervous system needs a reset. Practical steps include naming this early and clearly, for example, ‘I’d like to take an hour to myself this afternoon so I can enjoy the rest of the day more. Would you be able to help by doing XX?’”
Planning short, regular breaks rather than waiting until you’re overwhelmed also helps, says Comber, adding that people shouldn’t assume their partner will automatically step in. Instead, make requests and listen to their capacity to support you.
When both partners feel stretched, take turns having breaks while the other handles household tasks or looks after the children.
“It’s useful for couples and families to discuss in advance what alone time might look like – a walk, reading in another room, a solo swim, or even running an errand alone – and how long it might last.
“When space is agreed, rather than taken in frustration, it’s far less likely to be misinterpreted as rejection. From a relationship perspective, it also helps to distinguish between physical togetherness and emotional connection. You don’t have to be in the same room all day to feel close.”
Jenni Mortimer is the New Zealand Herald’s chief lifestyle and entertainment reporter. Jenni started at the Herald in 2017 and has previously worked as lifestyle, entertainment and travel editor.