Why it's never too late for love

Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson in a scene from the film Something's Gotta Give. Photo / Supplied

Loving your grown children, their delicious offspring, your dearest friends - even your ex's family - is all very well. But it may not fill the gap many a 'mature' single adult feels. So, while it's not imperative to be in an exclusive relationship to find contentment, most single people of all ages have times of wanting that very much.

In my practice I see plenty of people 50-plus who tell me they want to meet someone. No surprises though that the next word is usually 'but': "But I'm too old", "But I don't know where to find them", "But I have no confidence". And so on.

If so many older singles want the same thing, why does dating in later life seem to be so fraught with difficulties? Or is it? Are these barriers of habit that we put into our own minds? Culturally inherited anxieties about getting older make it easy to succumb to the stereotype that love is for the young.

But being young, as you might have heard, is a state of mind. Rather than slowing down, the older adults I meet in my counselling room are, in fact, tandem sky diving, enrolling in acting groups, learning salsa dancing, and attending tertiary courses. The face of middle age and beyond is healthier, harder working and altogether younger. There is an overwhelming consensus of refusal to take on the stigmas of old age.

Like those 'spot the mistake' puzzles in children's books, this picture is flawed: here are interested and interesting older people who nonetheless believe it's probably too late for them to find a happy and fulfilling relationship. Something simply doesn't fit.

Brain science backs this up: the part of us that wants to connect with someone else is always alive within us. It doesn't burn out or fade away. Loving at any age is neither foolish nor undignified - and, in fact, well-documented research tells us it helps us to live longer.

No one should feel pressure to be one of two. But, if opting out is code for: "I'm too fat, too old, too past it", or "All the good ones are taken", then you need to remind yourself that no matter how hopeless you may feel, you are incorrect. There are a lot of people out there who would like to meet you, and who feel like you do.

As an older adult, you have the choice to either marinate in regret about failed or lost love, or embrace the fruits of wisdom and self-knowledge; a red light or a green light, depending on how you choose to view accumulated life experience.

And don't forget that while young love might seem easy by comparison, it wasn't really. Relationships are always tricky and frightening, to some degree. One advantage for the older adult is that the search for a partner is no longer necessarily for the right 'one' to have children with. Or the 'one' who will offer financial support, or the 'one' with whom you can fuse your identity. Dating in the later years is an opportunity to find real companionship, pure and simple.

Dating in later life means you will likely have two sets of offspring, a ringside view of how your love interest manages their money and relationships, and two sets of friends - and stories. It is a rich landscape, arguably far richer than that of youthful love.

My clients have met new love interests in dog parks, travel groups, wine festivals and concerts, online meeting sites such as meetup.com, and by encouraging friends with single friends to bring people together. Connection plus attraction and history might just spin the roulette wheel towards another person with a lust for life and a similar desire to be loved.

Reframe your view of love in later life and the options are wide open, ready for the taking.