Why I'm choosing 'trick' this Halloween

This Halloween, I'm choosing 'trick'.

The only thing I'm dressing up as this year is as the Halloween grinch (and, you guessed it, it involves wearing my regular clothes).

Let's get this out of the way early: Halloween sucks. It has turned into just another way of extracting money out of people by guilting them into buying stuff they don't need. Halloween decorations are ugly, Halloween lollies taste gross and the only way to make Halloween fun is to add elements to it that aren't actually meant to be part of it in the first place.

It is truly the most annoying time of the year, and immediately precedes the other stupid time of the year: Guy Fawkes. End of October and beginning of November are this awful black cloud in the calendar and, deep down, we're all just trying to get through this and jump straight to Christmas.

- If you've ever looked into the origins of Halloween, you know there's very little reason to celebrate it in New Zealand (what with the wrong season and all that). Which is why we haven't, until recent years. Yet we all put some face paint on and pretend we're reliving some kind of childhood tradition.

- You also can't teach your kids "stranger danger" and then send them off to get lollies from people you've never met.

- Halloween decorations are ugly. Spider webs are the things you spend the year keeping out of your house. Don't go getting giant ones to hang around. They look hideous.

- Costumes are stupid. There I said it. Also, the pressure to dress up is ridiculous. For parents, the pressure of spending a ton of money on Christmas presents is already top of mine by now. Adding Halloween to it is just unnecessary stress.

- A lot of people don't even know what it means or where it comes from. Nothing like seeing Catholics out trick or treating to really experience some Alanis Morissette-type irony.

- Halloween-themed food/lollies are disgusting, on purpose. Think about that.

- Finally, the truth is Halloween was, at one point, something meaningful. It isn't now. Not in New Zealand, anyway. Be honest with yourself, what are you even celebrating? You're not hoping to get rid of bad spirits or celebrate the harvest or prepare for the tough months of winter. Halloween is just a way of kids getting extra lollies. The phrase is "trick or treat" and it means you can actually choose one of those two options. Except, in reality, it isn't.

My lollies are all mine so I'm definitely choosing "trick" this time, then watch tiny children sweat as they try to come up with something to do.

If we're going to do this stupid thing, we might as well do it right.

Happy freaking Halloween.