“The decline, from
being okay and positive, to us … with a child in serious crisis, was probably six weeks,” she says.
Rudkin is speaking to Sonia Gray on this week’s episode of the podcast No Such Thing as Normal, in the first of two episodes dedicated to parenting a neurodivergent child.
Rudkin’s daughter was eventually diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) and other sensitivities, but it was a long process that rocked the whole family.
A long-time producer, Rudkin approached the crisis as a problem that needed to be solved immediately. “But a year in I was just exhausted”, she says. “I wish someone had told me, ‘pace yourself Francesca, this isn’t going to be a quick fix’.”
Podcast host Sonia Gray says the rates of parental burnout and exhaustion are huge. “It’s impossible to explain just how overwhelming it is to anyone that’s not living it”, she says.
Gray has first-hand experience with her own neurodivergent daughter. “You’re heartbroken knowing your child is suffering, and you’re desperately trying to hold it together to advocate for them” she says. “People keep saying ‘early intervention is so important’ but you have no idea what the early intervention is – or how to get it. You are, quite literally, brought to your knees”.
Last year, a research study highlighted the negative experiences of parents going through the system with an autistic or ADHD child.
Educational psychologist Willow Sainsbury led the study and said reading the reports from parents brought her to tears.
“The main theme was one of ‘battle’,” she says. “Parents would repeatedly write things like ‘fighting the system’, ‘it’s a constant battle’, ‘no one tells you you’re battling all the different organisations daily”.
Sainsbury said most parents highlighted the stress from delays, wait times and general lack of understanding. “They said how heartbreaking … and how long their journeys had been. And also that there wasn’t a lot of resolution. I read things like ‘and my child continues to suffer in the system’.”
A study by the University of Wisconsin in 2009 found that mothers of autistic children – particularly those with extreme behavioural issues – experienced the same levels of chronic stress as combat soldiers in a war zone.
Most of the responses in Sainsbury’s study came from mothers. And while fathers feel the stress too, mums are more likely to talk about it.
This silent struggle prompted Auckland dad Peter Parsons to set up a support group for fathers with high-needs autistic children. Parsons, whose 11-year-old child Jordan is autistic and has global developmental delay, says the group has been life-changing for many of the dads.
He admits a lot of what they share is tough, and there are often tears. But for many, it’s the only place they can offload.
“We talk about the struggles and the small victories,” he says. “Anyone else would be like, ‘Oh, that’s nothing’, but to us, it’s like ‘my boy said his first word!’ It’s just amazing to have these friendships with other guys on the same journey as you”.
No Such Thing as Normal is a NZ Herald podcast, hosted by Sonia Gray, with new episodes available every Saturday.
Season One won Best History & Documentary Podcast at the 2024 NZ Radio and Podcast Awards, and was one of Apple Podcast’s Most Shared series in 2023.
The series was made with the support of NZ on Air.
You can listen to it on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.
