If you've lost yourself in a relationship, it may be time to untangle your identities and establish clearer boundaries. Illustration / Vanessa Saba, The New York Times
If you’ve lost yourself in a relationship, it may be time to untangle your identities and establish clearer boundaries.
The same pattern kept repeating itself for Joelyn Chase. Family members continually leaned on her for money and emotional support, she said, causing her to lose sight of where their needs ended and hers began.
“Everything used to be an emergency. ‘Oh my gosh, you need me right now? I need to answer you,’” recalled Chase, 73, who lives in Greene County, Virginia. “I had to take care of everybody.”
She liked being needed, but at one point she found herself working seven days a week as the sole breadwinner. Only later did she realise that she wasn’t taking care of her own needs. In fact, she wasn’t even sure what those needs were.
Chase was experiencing “enmeshment”, a term that describes a relationship lacking emotional and psychological boundaries. The term has gotten attention in recent years, with numerous videos exploring it on TikTok; a Reddit forum dedicated to “enmeshment trauma”; and books offering advice on “untangling” yourself and working through the tough feelings that can arise.
“It’s terrifying to set those boundaries,” said Jordan Pickell, a psychotherapist and the author of a book about enmeshment that is set to publish in 2026. “Because what would that mean about me as a person?”
An enmeshed relationship has a lack of clear boundaries, leading to blurred individual identities.
There can be pressure “to feel, think and act similar”, said Terri Cole, a psychotherapist and the author of Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.
In the process, people in these relationships become disconnected from their authentic selves. “You get to a point where you don’t even know who you are,” she said.
Although Pickell is a trained counsellor, even she has had difficulty separating her identity from that of her sister (whom she had once referred to as her “soul mate”). They are in constant contact, messaging all day and frequently talking for hours on the phone.
To this day, their biggest fight stemmed from a disagreement over the man her sister was dating. Pickell did not approve of the relationship for a number of reasons.
But now she realises she was also afraid that he would come between them. “I acted like I should have control over who she dates,” Pickell said.
“Our relationship is incredibly special, but I know it can also be stifling,” she added. “There’s not always room for other people.”
Enmeshment often occurs alongside codependency, which is a pattern of behaviour in which you prioritise someone else’s needs over your own, often to your detriment. People in enmeshed relationships will often have difficulty identifying their individual thoughts and feelings, the experts said. In Pickell’s experience as a therapist, this is particularly common among parents and their adult children. But it can also show up in relationships between siblings, significant others and even friends.
A person who is enmeshed may also feel isolated, invisible or trapped, said Nancy L. Johnston, a licensed professional counsellor and the author of Disentangle: When You’ve Lost Your Self in Someone Else.
From the outside, an enmeshed person may appear to be trying to keep everyone happy while locked in an invasive and controlling relationship.
But from within the enmeshed relationship, oftentimes “the dynamic feels mutual”, Pickell said.
Separating from an enmeshed relationship starts with being aware of how your individuality has been eclipsed, Johnston said. Then, if you’re open to making a change, the rest of the work can begin. Here are several things to try:
Do a daily check-in
Ask yourself what you’re feeling. Is this your emotion, or are you co-opting someone else’s? How does your body feel when you are entangled with someone else? If it’s creating anxiety, you might experience body tension, digestive problems, headaches or difficulty sleeping.
“Some people stay stuck in their thoughts and are not attuned to emotions or body,” Johnston said. “So we want to round out that self-awareness.”
Name your needs or preferences
If you’re in a relationship that has made you lose sight of your individual needs and preferences, take time to consider what’s important to you. Maybe it’s something small, like the books you like to read or the foods or hobbies you prefer.
Or perhaps bigger changes are in order. Chase realised that she wanted to travel the world and teach abroad once her children were grown, rather than sticking around for the next family crisis. “What am I waiting for?” she recalled wondering.
So for six years, Chase taught at an international school in Shanghai.
Create more personal space
Chase’s move to Shanghai was helpful in creating physical distance between herself and the people with whom she had become most enmeshed. Because of the time difference, “whatever crisis they had, I slept through it”, she said.
But others who are dealing with enmeshment may not require extreme physical distance to reclaim their individuality.
Put time in your calendar that’s just for you, Cole recommended. You might try a hobby that has always appealed to you and doesn’t have to do with the other person.
You can also make space by pausing before you react emotionally to something, she added. “Ask yourself: Do I need to fix this? Or can I just witness it with compassion?”
Establish boundaries
“Boundaries” can sound like a bad word for those who are codependent or enmeshed. But setting healthy boundaries is one of the most important things you can do, experts say, because you will be establishing limits and expectations for your relationships.
Learn to listen and respond to your own needs and feelings. Practice using “I” statements, such as “I need some extra downtime today, so I can’t come over right now.”
Setting boundaries might mean saying no to a request or disclosing less than you normally would. There’s no need to defend or rationalise your decision.
At first, emotions like guilt and anxiety might pop up. But remember that setting boundaries with a loved one doesn’t mean you need to avoid intimacy or cut ties, Pickell said.
“The core goal isn’t to create distance but to create differentiation and be your own person,” she said.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Christina Caron
Illustration by: Vanessa Saba
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