Men’s emotional and physical responses in intimacy often differ drastically from women’s. Photo / 123RF
WARNING: This story contains sexual content and is suitable for adults only.
After being a sex therapist for more than 30 years, I’ve gained an insight into the minds of men – and just how different they are from women.
Over the past three decades working as a sex therapist with more than 2500 individuals and couples, I’m consistently struck by how differently women and men think. I don’t know if it’s nature or nurture, and I certainly don’t mean to stereotype genders. But every day in my office, my male and female patients seem so vastly different they may as well represent two different species.
I believe if your average married woman could spend an hour inside their husband’s mind, she’d be shocked by how quiet a place it is. Most men can turn off their minds at will. We do it all the time, as almost anyone who’s lived with a man can attest. Many women say they’d love to be able to turn off their minds too. But for whatever reason, women’s minds tend to be more active, more perceptive, more relationally focused.
When a new couple is just starting to get physically intimate, he’ll sometimes notice her getting very quiet. Most often, this is because her head is exploding with a million perceptions, feelings, thoughts and questions – none of which she dares to speak about, for fear of overwhelming him. If he’s like most men, he has no idea any of this is going on.
Most men are rather sensitive to their female partner’s moods. Most boys tend to begin to disconnect emotionally from their mothers at age 3 or so. This seems to just be part of the process by which they eventually become men. Historically men were warriors, and if a warrior has a bit of emotional constriction, so much the better. But it puts a heterosexual man at an emotional disadvantage in an intimate relationship with a female partner. She’ll most likely have had a much closer relationship with her mother, plus much more experience of emotional intimacy with her same-sex friends. For him, lacking all these experiences, the ups and downs of intimate life may still seem as frightening as when he was a toddler.
Famously forthright film star Mae West once remarked: “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?” But most women tend to misunderstand men’s erections. Many, if not most, women think of a man’s erection as something that has to be “dealt with” in some fashion. She assumes that if her presence excites him enough to get him an erection, she’s responsible for relieving him of it by helping him have an orgasm. Sometimes a woman will avoid physical contact with her husband for fear of getting him aroused.
From a man’s perspective, that makes no sense at all. Not every erection has to result in a climax. We men like the sensation. It’s not a painful thing. A man with an erection is like a dog wagging its tail. It just means he’s happy to see you. Erections come and go. Best to simply take it as a compliment.
The most common reason men avoid sex is because they’re worried about getting an erection. It’s not always “anxiety”, though. Erections can be brought down by any unhappy emotion at all: grief, jealousy, guilt, shame.
Sex self-help books all say a man should be able to be sexual even without an erection. But in reality, very few men are capable of this. The reason has nothing to do with his ability to have penetrative sex. It’s that not having an erection makes most men feel like less of a man. Irrational, I know. But that’s most men’s psychological reality.
As a therapist, I tell couples the main reason a man needs an erection is so he won’t have to think about his erection. Otherwise, that’s all he’s likely to be thinking about. Obviously not the sexiest thing in the world, right? Best to tell him you still think he’s sexy, but do something else for a while until he feels better.
Women tend to need more sensual variety in all things: food, clothing, home decor – and yes, even sex. Women tend not to speak up about this, because they know intuitively it might hurt their husband’s pride. So most husbands never suspect their wives are secretly a bit bored.
Psychologically speaking, men’s sensual interests tend to be narrower and more limited. For some reason, they tend not to be as hungry for new sensual experiences. Just as they’re less likely to yearn for new kitchen countertops. The biggest complaint I get from husbands is that things aren’t the same as they used to be. For instance, she doesn’t prioritise sex as much, or doesn’t seem as enthusiastic when they make love. Often, as noted above, the reality is that she’s a bit bored since it’s the same old, same old.
As a sex therapist, I coach men to imagine what it’s like to be a woman and to need a change every once in a while. Even a simple change of scenery can sometimes do quite nicely. Making love on holiday to the sound of the sea can be just the thing to dispel a woman’s feeling that things have become routine.
A man might have a favourite outfit of his partner’s that turns him on. But his interest in that outfit won’t typically change much over time. This is foreign to most women’s way of thinking. Chances are, he’ll still want to see her long after she’s got bored of wearing it.
She’ll want to buy something new, because that’s what makes her feel sexy and intrigued. She’ll try hard to ascertain whether he likes it. But again, he isn’t as restless for novelty as she is. He really did like the old outfit just fine. Nevertheless, when he says something like, “You look sexy in whatever you wear”, chances are, she won’t believe him.
As a sex therapist, I advise couples to simply acknowledge the obvious fact that she needs more novelty than he does. There’s nothing wrong with either one of you. You’re just different, that’s all.
As a psychotherapist, I believe if your average man could spend an hour inside his wife’s head, he’d find it completely exhausting. By the end of the day, when your average wife asks her husband, “What should we do for dinner?”, often what she’s really saying is, “I’d really appreciate if you’d take charge of dinner. I’m really tired of making all the decisions around here.”
Unfortunately, when faced with the dinner question, most men will simply answer, “I don’t care. Whatever you want.” That’s often factually correct, since most times we really don’t care. But it misses the whole point which is that at the end of the day, she would love some male leadership and decisiveness.
You may of course extrapolate this to the bedroom, in which case you probably wouldn’t be too far wrong.
Many wives these days worry about their husbands’ use of internet porn. They say his masturbating to porn feels like cheating. They don’t want to compete for his attention with some random 22-year old. They disapprove of the porn industry in general.
Psychologically speaking, most men’s erotic turn-ons aren’t as context-dependent. It’s been said that men watch porn for the same reason women go to the spa: to feel good and to relax. Seeing attractive naked women is like ice cream. It feels good, regardless of where the ingredients are sourced from. Most happily married men report watching porn once in a while doesn’t detract at all from being intimate with their wives.
That being said, sometimes the circumstances under which a man watches porn can be problematic. Many men wait to turn on porn until their wives leave the house. Over time, the sound of her keys at the front door when she comes home becomes a signal to turn off the porn and delete his search history. Eventually, her presence in the house can feel like an obstacle to erotic pleasure. For this reason, I usually advise men to make sure they’re getting more orgasms in bed with their wives than online.
Most men totally underestimate how much women in relationships put their own needs aside in order to accommodate their partner’s limitations. A man may experience his wife as critical, but chances are that nine times out of 10 she chooses to stay quiet rather than upsetting him.
Then they’ll start a family, and one day she’ll realise she accommodates her husband’s needs the same way she accommodates her children’s needs: by putting her own needs last. Eventually, she’ll decide she can’t keep doing this, and she’ll become more assertive. She may start to set more limits on how often she’s willing to have sex with him if she’s not in the mood.
This will all come as a shock to him. Often he’ll have assumed everything was fine. He may see her as angry, when in fact she’s just trying to be clear about what she needs. Often the most challenging thing is for him to see her as a rational adult, rather than as the reincarnation of his angry mother.
If he can take on more emotional responsibility in the relationship, so much the better. For example, by assuming she’s not telling him most of what she’s thinking, and instead listening for what she’s not saying. That can feel a bit tiring at first, but like more things it gets easier with practice. And the long-term payoff in marital happiness can be enormous.
New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder MD is the author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship.
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