“Well, it doesn’t live in the fridge section in the supermarket!” some people argue. No, because it’s not been opened yet. It needs to be refrigerated after opening. It says so on the bottle!
Arguing online is pointless
It’s the modern world’s biggest waste of time (a close second being trying to solve a problem using a company’s “live chat” function). If I find myself arguing with a stranger online these days (“of course ketchup goes in the fridge, you fool!”), I give myself a quick slap in the face and go and do something more pleasurable, like slapping myself in the face a bit more.
Take fashion advice
Left to my own devices, I end up in ill-fitting T-shirts saying things like “California 69″ on the front, and saggy-bummed bootcut jeans. Since meeting my stylish other half I’ve been forcefully kitted out in outfits for grown men. I resisted at first, but now I look at my old clobber and cringe.
Throw things away
I’m historically very bad at decluttering (very good at cluttering, though). I find an old mobile phone charging lead from 1998 in the back of a drawer and treat it like lost treasure. “We can’t!” I cry as my wife tells me to bin it. I’m glad to say I’m finally learning to chuck away pieces of tat. Or to be more precise, I’ve learnt to stick them in the garage, the official holding pen between the house and the tip.
Not all steaks are best rare
“As raw and bloody as possible!” I used to say when asked how I want my steak cooked, even if the waiter told me it wasn’t the best option for the particular cut. Then I’d chew away like a dog for hours on the thick marbling of a cold ribeye. Turns out a lot of meat is better when cooked.
Look back with fondness but not with longing
The best time is now. It’s the only time I can affect. I find it easier to let go of the past. I’ve learnt from the past, it’s shaped me, but it’s done.
I don’t have to dance
I spent far too much of my life jigging about like a berk, usually at a wedding, due to someone or other relentlessly saying “oh come on, have a dance!” More than once I would then proceed to “have a dance”, with all the flexibility of a broom handle, only for the person who persuaded me to dance to tell me I wasn’t very good at dancing at all. Well, no more! I’m no longer bullied into bopping. It helps that most of my friends are married, and luckily you don’t have to dance when they divorce (though I think some of them did). I will now only bust a groove in the privacy of my own home as a guaranteed way to make my wife laugh.
I will never go on another stag do
And if any of my friends decide to marry again and celebrate the fact by going to Prague and getting tied naked to a lamppost, I’ll be washing my hair that weekend. People really do all lose sane judgment on these trips. The last stag do I attended, in Krakow, we paid for the groom to be attacked by dogs. He was kitted out in a rudimentary protective leather outfit, which had an alarming number of gaps around vital arteries, and then set a vanload of angry canines on him in a public park. Remarkably, he survived unscathed.
Be kind but don’t be a pushover
It’s nice to be nice, but “being kind” doesn’t mean being walked over. There are still occasions when politely telling someone to jog on are merited.
Tasting menus are often disappointing
By the time you’ve arrived at the two supposedly star dishes – the “mouthful of cod” dish followed by the “two chews of beef” dish – you’re bored out of your mind. The best dish was the first one (seven bloody dishes ago), but it was also the size of a 1p piece. When you’ve completed the menu, £200 down, you’ve never craved a cheese sandwich more.
Look after your teeth and buy good shoes
Both are worth the time and money. Ideally, I want to be chewing and walking for a long time yet. My knees are making some alarming cracking sounds these days, though.
It’s my information to divulge and it’s my time to give
In my youth, a clipboard person would knock on my door and say, “Do you live here?” and I’d say “Yes!” They’d demand my name and I’d tell them. Now all I say, if anything, is, “Who are you?” It’s taken me a long time and a lot of attempted scams to be so at ease with being wary. I do things on my terms. If someone requests my time and I grant them it, they’ll often say “OK, I’ll ring you when I’m free,” so I politely say no, you can ring me when I’m free, thank you very much.
Never refuse a cup of tea
Or, for that matter, a piece of cake. Unless the person offering has questionable crockery hygiene.
Films are too long now
Three and a half hours? A film should be 90 minutes at most. You should not have to wee more than once during a movie. People say “life is short” but it depends how you’re spending it. Life seemed to last an eternity in the cinema watching Oppenheimer (good film, though).
Not everything works out as planned
Roll with the punches, know that not every setback is a disaster and stay grateful for what’s gone well. My life could’ve ended up better in some ways, I suppose, but if I look at how it could’ve been worse, I feel very lucky indeed.
I don’t need to carry a bag
I spent my 20s and early 30s with a constant rucksack full of stuff (bottle of Diet Coke, phone charger, emergency snacks, sunglasses, umbrella, a light jacket…) – I looked like I was always going hiking. I was jealous of people who left home with just a phone and a credit card on their person, but these days that’s me. Now all I carry is my wife’s ginormous bag, which comes everywhere with us and feels like it’s full of bowling balls. Still, it’s handy for holding my bottle of Diet Coke, my phone charger, my sunglasses, umbrella…
I’m not the star of the show
Nobody is spending their spare time thinking about me and what I’m up to. It takes away a lot of life’s anxieties to know this.
Expect a queue in the post office
Embrace the queue, enjoy it, use it as a moment to have some quiet time to yourself, zone out. It’s fine. Unless it closes before you get the front, in which case: commence tutting.
Don’t email anything to a colleague that you wouldn’t be happy for everyone in the company to read
If you absolutely must complain about someone or moan about something they’ve done, in a professional capacity, write the email as if the person you’re complaining about is copied in, because they probably will be eventually. Nothing drains the blood from your face faster than seeing your boss holding a printed-out email, not sent to him, in which you’ve called him criminally lazy (trust me).
I don’t need alcohol
I gave up drinking a few years ago because it was killing me. At first, I developed a bit of a crusade mindset: “Alcohol is so bad that everyone should stop drinking it!” These days I know it’s none of my business what other people do (though I’ll help someone who’s struggling with alcohol if they want my help). Live and let live.
Concentrate on your own driving
If someone’s driving fast and recklessly, keep your distance and let them get on with it. So what if they cut you up? Trying to teach them a lesson by matching their speed and driving bumper to bumper is very silly.
Don’t watch too much of the news
I’ve discovered that life tends to be pretty much the same whether I watch the news or not. At most, I keep an eye on whether I’ll be able to still afford my mortgage next year, and I’ll probably take interest if another plague comes along, but, overall, I don’t see much point in consuming so much doom.
It’s never too late to start again
At least, it hasn’t been too late up to now. I’ve got plenty of new mistakes to make and with any luck I’ll have plenty of opportunities to learn from them. Hope to see you again at 50.
