What happens when your relationship with your dad becomes too toxic? Three women share their stories of when they knew enough was enough. Photo / Getty Images
Three Kiwi women share their stories of estrangement from fathers, after emotional abuse and neglect.
Mel, 30, engagement co-ordinator
“I didn’t have much of a relationship with my dad when I was growing up. He and my mother separated when I was 3 and my sister was 2. We lived in the UK, and he moved to New Zealand alone when I was 5. He would call every few months. He came back to visit when I was 9 with his Kiwi fiancee. They married the following year. And then they came back to visit again when I was 14. Before that visit, I asked if I could try coming and living in NZ with them, and I followed them out here after their trip. Things were great, at first. He was very excited to have me here. But then I think the reality hit that he suddenly had a hormonal, very homesick teenager in his house that he had no idea what to do with. We started to argue a lot from when I was about 16 onwards.
“When I was 18, my stepmum discovered he’d been cheating on her, and kicked him out. I tried to maintain a relationship with both, but he moved two hours away to live with his new woman (although he maintained to me that he never cheated and they were just friends… they’re married now) and the effort to catch up was very one-sided on my part. I had to go see him; he wouldn’t come to see me.
“The final straw was just before my 20th birthday – after a couple of months of me trying to arrange to catch up with him with no success, he told me he was off work the day before and day of my birthday. My boyfriend and I had already made plans to go to the beach for a few nights, so I invited him to join us for the day. He responded that it was ‘too far’ (1.5-hour drive) and that instead I should travel to go and stay with him on his next four-day weekend, even though I was working and had uni. I told him I’d had enough of being the only one making an effort, and if he wanted to catch up, then it was up to him to reach out to me.
“He sent me an angry message on my 21st birthday because I didn’t invite him to my party. We argued back and forth and then I haven’t responded to any messages he’s sent me since then. Everything I post to social media is set to ‘Friends except him’. Since then he’s reached out a few times and he’ll post on my Facebook page on my birthday, but I tend to just delete the messages. He congratulated me on the birth of my daughter but I never replied. She’s 3 now.
“I don’t miss him. He was a part of my life for such a short time really – birth to age 5, and then age 14-20. So 11 years out of 30 – I’m more used to him being out of my life than in it. But recently, I’ve definitely noticed I have some attachment/abandonment issues I need to work through, and I guess that’s probably because of him. But my life is better without him in it; he brought nothing but stress and anxiety. The few times we did see each other between his marriage ending and me cutting him off, he badmouthed my stepmum a lot even though he knew I was still close with her. And I still am close with her – it’s been 12 years since they separated, but she is Grandma to my children. He’s the one that’s missing out.”
Carla, 34, insurance professional
“I know exactly when it all went wrong. Mum was away with sibling two and I was with Dad and sibling three for the weekend. Waiting in the car for takeaways I busted his texts with another woman, so I ran from the car and hid out at a friend’s place for the weekend. I couldn’t tell what he was angrier about, not being able to find me or that he was busted (again, mum had already caught him twice before).
“But our problems started before that and there were several reasons that led to me cutting him off. Basically, he is a narcissist. I’m the oldest and me and Dad always got along but as I hit puberty, he freaked and didn’t want to hang out from the day ‘she got boobs’. He also had a pretty violent streak directed at Mum and I so he really struggled when I got to an age where I fought back.
“After I busted the affair, Mum and Dad split up and it was all downhill from there for me and him. I stayed with Mum and in Dad’s eyes ‘made my choice’. He remarried and decided this was where he was going to put his energy, so we all kind of got left behind. I would try and touch base here and there to test the waters but always got pushback because I wanted to work with him first and was ‘cutting’ his new wife out.
“I fought it out with Dad a few times trying to get him to see sense that it wasn’t us kids’ fault and he needed to take some ownership over his actions but that quickly was turned on me for ‘not having any EQ’. The kicker, and what did it for me, was the day I found out he had a ‘suicidal episode following some bullying at work’. He had a reputation of being a bully and I think someone bigger and badder came in and put him in his place – narcissists don’t like that. It really grinded my gears because when I was young and going through a similar phase I was met with ‘you are weak and pathetic, grow up’.
“He went to see a therapist 20 years ago and apparently was told to ‘leave them be and they will come to you’. I am not sure at what point he figures out that is incorrect but I am okay with it that way. He stopped saying happy birthday about seven years ago. That never bothered me because he could never get the day right anyway.
“I felt guilty for a long time but not so much in the last five years. But I do feel bad for my siblings – they were younger so didn’t have a say in where they stayed and they are now dealing with the repercussions of it all and working through whether they want a relationship with Dad.
“Aside from that, it’s had a long-term impact on me but largely a positive one. I came from a loveless, violent household and now I’m a mother I do everything in my power to never, ever let my child experience that. I have a no shouting policy in my home, I always hug my daughter regardless of if she has done something right or wrong. We talk through issues and I never make her feel bad for making mistakes and learning. It has made me a much better person and I am actually grateful that I know family isn’t always blood – it is the people who help you be better.”
Rachel, 43, stay-at-home mum
“My relationship with Dad has always been strained – he and Mum split up when I was 10 and he lived in a different country so we didn’t get to see much of each other. Then he remarried and his new wife was verbally abusive towards me, but when I told him he didn’t believe me and he took her side.
‘He had always been very critical of me since I was a teenager. I know teens and parents can have some difficult times but it was a lot more than that. He came to my wedding but caused issues with my Mum’s husband – and then he refused to be in family photos. My brother had married a few years earlier and he was happy to be in family photos that day, so it really hurt.
“But the final straw came after I became a mum. I sacrificed my career to be at home with my baby (something I absolutely do not regret) but it was really tough as it is for lots of mums who have to make those sorts of decisions. Then out of the blue Dad wrote me a letter to say that being a mum was not my forte and I should go back to work fulltime. I mean, that’s rich coming from someone who was very absent a lot of my life. It bloody broke me and ultimately I messaged and said that I never wanted to see or speak to him again. That was three years ago. Not once has he reached out and offered an apology or tried to mend things – I get the occasional text on mine and my daughter’s birthdays but I just ignore them.
“Cutting him off was hard but I have no regrets. It gets easier and I really don’t miss him – if someone in your life is making you feel terrible, anxious, small and unloved you are much better off without them. After years of emotional abuse and putting up with so much crap, I am well and truly done with him.
“It does get hard when it comes to my daughter though. It will be up to her, when she is old enough to understand, whether she wants a relationship with him or not. But for me, there will be no reconciliation – and for the time being it is my job to protect my child from toxic people.”
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