Performance anxiety can plague men throughout their adult lives. Photo / Getty Images
Warning: This article contains content of a sexual nature
From partner satisfaction to body confidence, men from different age groups speak frankly about their sex lives.
When it comes to men and sex the stereotypes are rife. Men are meant to be assertive, adventurous and emotionally restrained. Worrying about your body or performance in bed just isn’t “manly”. And yet real men do worry, as research shows, with performance anxiety often plaguing men throughout their adult lives. And the pressure to live up to what they see online is doing nothing to increase confidence or satisfaction.
Later this year one of the world’s largest and most detailed scientific studies on sexual attitudes will be published. Details leaked on the UK’s fourth National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (NATSAL) suggest that, for better or for worse, the online space has colonised men’s sexual lives. What does this mean for British men who studies describe as having notably less sex despite a more dedicated idea of monogamy? While 70% of 55 to 64-year-olds can find a clitoris, only half that can at 18-24. Not surprisingly, more frequent sex (five or more times in the past four weeks) led to increased happiness and less distress.
Three men from three distinct generations described their sex lives to us, with both surprising honesty and touching sensitivity.
William*, 75, married three times, two children, retired from a career in corporate hospitality
How do you feel about your body?
I feel okay about my ever-increasing decrepitude, it’s best to accept that muscle starts declining. I lost my virginity at 14 because I was a skilled horseman and beautiful girls were impressed by me. I am shy but I still have the confidence of my younger self.
When did you last lose your erection, is it something you worry about?
In my 20s I discovered older women who would say, “my old man’s gone off sex” or “he’s going to prostitutes”. They taught me how to slow down and breathe and get a grip on premature ejaculation, and if I came too quickly they’d say not to worry, have a relax and we’ll go again. I’ve never let it get me down. There’s always cunnilingus if you ejaculate too early, it seems to go down well. Nowadays it’s not as physical, and it’ll often be me lying on my back because I’ve got arthritis and terrible sciatica. I last lost my erection in the missionary position and I got unbelievable cramp in my leg and it took over the whole experience. I was in absolute agony.
Do you have strategies to make sex last longer?
When I was young it all felt so exciting, I had no control whatsoever. That was it. Two minutes of squelching. But as I went into relationships I learned to control it with breathing. I rarely went more than 15 minutes. I’ve never had erectile dysfunction but I’ve also never been a heroic all night guy. At 70 I met a woman who introduced me to Viagra, I couldn’t believe this total mechanical rejuvenation.
But then, last year I had problems with my eyes. The ophthalmologist asked if I was using any “sexual enhancement medication” because it could have contributed to what happened with my eye. No more Viagra. Got to make do with what I’m up to naturally. Sorry, but I’d rather have ordinary sex than go blind. I am an old man with aches and pains. I’ll tell a woman, “You’ll get lots of affection and caressing but penetration is not going to last long.”
Do you aim to make sure your partner has an orgasm?
Orgasms are life affirming. As a young man, older women taught me all about foreplay and I’ve always done my best to ensure the woman derives as much pleasure from sex as me.
Do you use porn and if so how does it impact your sex life?
The Lancet said the best way to steer clear of prostate cancer is regular masturbation. Now, if I wake up and I’ve got an erection, I think: better follow The Lancet’s directions. When I was a teen you’d see the odd stolen Parade at school, all very tame, buxom lassies from the waist up. I got into porn in my 50s, when I had a rather barren period, so I’d masturbate and most of the time I would watch porn for lesbians which I found more erotic and I thought it might be good for some tips.
Patrick, 61, married with three kids, works in transport and logistics
How do you feel about your body?
Men’s penises look dreadful don’t they, but I’ve always had compliments on mine, still I tend not to look down. I’m healthy for 61, I’ve got a bit of a belly but I’ve got nice muscly legs. My main anxiety is my back – it hurts.
When did you last lose your erection, is it something you worry about?
This isn’t really relevant as I don’t have full penetrative sex with my wife very often; spontaneously and sporadically we have sex. Menopause has caused her all sorts of problems. When you get older, you are able to put sex on a back burner, but I still masturbate regularly because you need the release. Since I had the snip at 41, I’ve less sensation down below, but that could be purely psychological. It’s not as intense, not as fiery, and there’s not as much semen.
My only obstacles have been whether the woman I loved wanted it, and then there’s the worries and tiredness. Sometimes other things occupy your thoughts or work is so hard you don’t have energy left for sex.
How long can you last during sex? And do you have strategies to make it last longer?
I was always aware of controlling myself in order to allow the other person’s enjoyment. I have stamina, and I was agile and could recover quickly to go again and was able to climax four or five times during sex. But I’ve been with my wife for 20 years and she is my soulmate. I respect her and her issues with her body.
I’d like it if we could go once a week, half an hour with foreplay. That’d be nice and I might masturbate a bit less then. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing myself on her. So I enjoy masturbating, it’s your own body, your own story plays in your mind when your eyes are closed.
Do you aim to make sure your partner has an orgasm, and does it stress you out?
I learned early on about giving sexual pleasure because I was always more of a giver than a taker; I love giving oral sex. It’s because I’ve got that submissive character.
Do you use porn and if so how does it impact your sex life?
I always feel guilty that my drive is way higher than my wife’s. Always has been. I don’t use porn, I find it artificial and not stimulating. My imagination is vivid, and better than any porn I’ve ever seen. I love erotic fiction, BDSM stuff. My wife knows, but it’s all pretty private. I can’t say to a 20-year-old “don’t watch porn”. I believe in personal freedom. But it’s nice to discover what you like for yourself.
Martin, 39, in a relationship, works in the creative industry
How do you feel about your body?
I’m slim and I exercise, but I am self-conscious post-sex. For a long time I would get under the duvet, now I feel I can lie down naked next to someone and feel more confident. There’s something about the way the penis is big and hard, and then you lie down and it’s all shrunken small and flat.
When did you last lose your erection, is it something you worry about?
For a long time after an ex betrayed me it had the biggest effect on my performance. Even if I was really turned on I couldn’t get hard. I had this feeling of anxiety, like butterflies. I had lost the capacity to trust and even if I was turned on I couldn’t get hard.
My next girlfriend was Brazilian, lived in Paris, and with her I had incredible sex. It was amazing and so loving, this changes the hormones released in your body, that feeling of safety makes for incredible sex. What kills my libido is having to second guess what the other person means, if the person is ruining your trust. It’s the biggest turn off.
And do you have strategies to make sex last longer?
I come very quickly when I am stressed. Strategies? Sometimes I will slow down, and pretend I need water, you stop a little bit and you go on. You know the feeling is coming, so you change position, or grab a sip of water, I get thirsty. I can go for six or seven minutes, but sometimes I can go for 30 minutes if the woman is doing more of the physical work. When there’s a good balance of effort on both sides it can last longer. Sometimes women want you to talk dirty, while you’re working really hard, and I don’t think they have any idea the stamina required.
Do you aim to make sure your partner has an orgasm, and does it stress you out?
From the moment you start having sex, you learn about what people want and what they need. Foreplay is important, big time, I don’t like the idea it’s functional just to get to sex. But all women are different. I concentrate on the other person rather than me. But sometimes to give an orgasm can be easy, and sometimes it can be hard work. You go for ages, your neck hurts, your tongue hurts. I try my best but we are not robots. So I don’t feel guilty.
Do you use porn and if so how does it impact your sex life?
I had a stash of porn magazines because they were easy to find as a kid. When you do it early, you get over it. When I turned 18, I was already bored of porn. Porn can give this pressure to perform like the guys in the movies, have kinkier sex or try different things but it’s just doing it for the sake of it. In real life, sex is less exotic but the intimacy is more arousing. Porn is so detached.
I love the old 1970s pornos more – I can get off on it because I love the aesthetic, the hair, the blouse, it’s something so attractive because the women looked like humans. The stuff now is like a butcher’s shop, meat slapping meat, it’s not sexual.
*Names have been changed