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Sometimes, especially in the summer months at the beach, I think about pubic hair and the trend for the past decade which has seen women remove it all.
As I gaze out to sea I wonder where all that pubic hair goes and imagine great floating islands of wax and curly short hairs idling their way around the Pacific blocking shipping channels.
Ship captains around the globe would issue "pubic island" warnings and whales would rub up against the island and receive a hairy coating which would baffle marine biologists when they later strand on shore.
All this, because in a supreme anti-feminist trend women decided that it was "cleaner" and "nicer" to remove every pubic hair they possess. I know they think it is "cleaner" and "nicer" because I have asked them why they do it and then wondered what is not nice and unclean about a normal vagina?
My interpretation of the need to be nicely clean down there is the rise of internet pornography where you have to search a specific genre to find any trace of a pubic hair coming between the television repair man and the lonely housewife.
As more people found pornography readily available on their computers, men ... and women, watched. And the women inevitably said "Oh, so do you like women who look like that?" And so, comparing themselves to a raft of alien, surgically enhanced, stoical women they lie on a table, legs spread while someone spreads hot wax all over their genitals then rips it all off causing excruciating pain. I'm sure that qualifies as torture in some countries and if it doesn't it should.
All this, so that a man might find her more sexually attractive.
I know men quite well and the extremely complicated rules of engagement leading up to having sex for men are: 1) Arousal. 2) Have sex.
Any man who is dilly-dallying around down there checking out the state of your vagina and critically appraising the amount of hair, doesn't really want to have sex. He wants to control you. You're one step away from getting his initials tattooed on your nipples.
Go home, put on your pyjamas and watch a good romcom, your self-esteem will remain healthy and the rights over your vagina intact.
Traditionally women have been courted through the ages. Romanced, flattered, pleasured and coaxed into having sex with men. It was the job of men to tempt us into having sex with them. "You'll enjoy it, really you will. I adore you, this will be mind blowing."
Now, many women are faced with the reality that unless they submit to a half hour of undignified agony on a regular basis, they are not worthy of male attention.
I hope that in 50 years time someone reads this column and has a good laugh about it, just as they will about the fact that people used to smoke "can you believe it?" and be racist "what was that about?"
I can imagine someone closing down their hologram research library and saying "not so long ago women used to actually rip all the hair off their vagina in order to make themselves more attractive to men, yet men still walked around with hairy testicles. How ridiculous!"
Pubic hair does have a purpose - to act as a cushion against abrasion and to protect against bacteria. Like most things in and on our body they developed for a very good reason.
Supportive wives may wish to go Brazilian in order to please their husbands, but not this supportive wife.
I was once presented with a voucher for a Brazilian from a friend which I showed to my husband.
"If you ever want to have sex again, you'll throw that in the bin," he said.
I've never been happier to obey.
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