Group holidays can test relationships and friendships. Photo / Getty Images
Group holidays may sound like a fun idea, but sometimes the reality can come as a shock…
As we dream of tropical getaways, it’s worth remembering the hazards of the group holiday. “Friends and family” is fine when it’s a WhatsApp group, less so when it involves a shared villa, children who can’t stand each other and irritable proximity for a full week or more. Commit in haste, repent at leisure.
Having experienced the reality of the shared holiday first-hand, I now only holiday with two very dear friends I’ve known since schooldays, or my husband and son. I have too many bitter memories of “joint holidays” that turned into endurance tests, from the trip to America staying with relentlessly sporty friends who liked to rise at 6am and had invited their obnoxious religious cousins to stay at the same time, to the “girls’ trip” to Cornwall that ended in A&E when my friend drunkenly fell down a flight of stairs and broke her ankle.
Evidently, I’m not alone. “My aunt owns a lovely finca [a ranch] in Spain and about 15 years ago, I arranged to spend a week there with my friend Bridget,” says Emma, 48. “We’d worked together at a TV production company and always had a laugh on nights out – so I assumed it would be fine.
“We flew to Malaga and then got a local bus to our town. On the bus, Bridget started chatting to a group of three lads.
“They were very drunk so I just said ‘hello’, and went back to reading my book. When we got off, they followed us down the street towards our accommodation.” Understandably disturbed, Emma asked them where they were staying. “They said, ‘with you.’ It turned out they hadn’t booked anywhere and Bridget had told them they were welcome.” Emma explained that was not an option, and sent them on their way.
“From that point onwards, Bridget refused to speak to me. She would get up early in the morning and leave the house all day,” says Emma. “Any food or provisions she bought, she’d keep in her room.” A few days later Emma decided to tackle her.
“I said it was ridiculous, why didn’t we put it behind us and do something nice together the next day – our last day? She agreed and we arranged to visit a picturesque village nearby, heading off at 10am.
“The next morning, she was waiting in the kitchen,” Emma recalls. “I said: ‘Shall we go then?’ She replied: ‘I’ve already been.’”
Bridget had risen at 6am, booked a taxi to the village and returned. “I was so annoyed, I changed my seat on the flight home,” Emma says. “A week later, my aunt said that quite a few things were missing from the house: towels, bedding, a picture. Bridget must have stolen them – although she denied it of course.”
But while holidays with just one or two “friends” might be intensely unpleasant, family trips can involve a whole cast of outraged people.
“Two years ago, I took a trip to France with my sister, brother-in-law, niece and parents,” says Imogen*, 42. “It cost quite a lot and we were all looking forward to a break. We ended up refereeing my parents’ shouting matches. We spent one entire day trying to give them marriage guidance, knowing full well that my dad’s reluctance to be there was because he was having an affair that he’d previously denied.”
Imogen is a veteran of the disastrous break, adding: “A few years before that, I was invited on a peaceful-sounding boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads. We’d drawn straws and won the best cabin, but the other couple had a tantrum, and we were forced to sleep on the pull-out bunks in the galley.” The couple kept Imogen and her long-suffering partner awake every night with their exuberant sex life.
“On a barge with paper-thin walls,” adds Imogen. “I spent several hours one night sitting alone on the roof in waterproofs, drinking wine in the pouring rain.”
She and her partner are no longer friends with the couple in question. Perhaps even worse, however, is the shared-holiday-with-children when the children simply refuse to get along.
“I had known this family since my eldest, now 20, was a newborn,” says Farhana Hussain, 48, a “divorce doula”.
“We met at an NCT [National Childbirth Trust] group, our kids grew up together, even after they moved away, and we had weathered a lot together.” Hussain was a newly single mum with three boys, then aged 14, 12 and 10. “I was still wrestling with single-parent guilt and the fear that holidays would never feel as good,” she explains.
So when said friends invited her and another couple to their lakeside holiday home in Germany, “it felt like the perfect first trip to prove I could still give my boys a great holiday. For the first few days, it was idyllic. The kids were around the same ages, they all got along, the wine was good, and the scenery was perfect.”
But they hadn’t factored in a potentially explosive clash of teenage hormones. “It was all-out war. Boys versus girls. Shifting alliances. My personal low point was the unsolicited parenting advice I definitely should not have given my friends,” says Hussain. “That led to a polite, but very real, silent war between the adults.” Meanwhile, the younger group was “playing the adults off against each other”, she says.
“The tipping point was a stand-off over who got the ‘good’ room, ending with a shattered glass shelf at 2am and three sets of parents running upstairs in pyjamas. I was counting the days and sometimes the hours until our flight home.”
When the holiday was over, Hussain says, “it was all very polite thank-yous and see-you-soons, but I was too scared to message afterwards in case it reignited anything. Six years on, we still haven’t seen them,” she admits.
Perhaps even worse are the “ambush” holidays, where the other family invites extra guests – without actually mentioning it.
“My family went on a joint family holiday to Suffolk a few years ago,” says Helen*, 36. “Unbeknown to us, we only found out on arrival, our friends had invited a third family, who we’d met briefly twice, to come and stay in the small, three-bed house we were renting. There weren’t enough beds for people, and it was every man for himself.”
This unexpected musical beds situation meant that “some nights I ended up on the sofa in the sitting room if I hadn’t managed to secure my bed for that evening”, she says. “In the end, the family pitched a tent on the front lawn. It was unbridled chaos.” Rather than confront the issue, she says: “We didn’t speak about it at all. We were all too polite and British.”
Many of us, after a holiday disaster, would simply let the friendship slide but, says psychotherapist Karen Hartley, group holidays can work if you set manageable expectations and have a pre-emptive discussion. “The fantasy of a ‘perfect’ group holiday, often fuelled by social media, clashes with reality,” she says.
“Even strong friendships can be strained when forced into shared decisions about budgets, activities or parenting styles. Differences become magnified without the usual space to decompress.”
She suggests discussing these issues before the trip, rather than waiting until you’re in the supermarket aisle in France as your children fight over which flavour of crisps to buy.
“Agree on shared ‘holiday rules’, like flexible bedtimes but no treats before dinner,” says Hartley. “You may want to confirm a budget or all add to a kitty for shopping. And remember, you don’t have to spend the whole time together in a big group – it’s fine to peel off and do your own thing, and it gives everyone some breathing space.” She adds: “Let minor issues slide to keep the peace.”
Nevertheless, witnessing other people’s relationships in gory close-up can be a shock. “Without routines to buffer us, comparisons and emotional reactions intensify,” says Hartley. “Singles may feel isolated; parents might judge others’ lax rules. It’s a pressure cooker.”
However, what you should never do is stage a confrontation in front of the entire group. “Take a break, cool off, then pull the involved parties aside for a private conversation,” says Hartley. “Try to avoid blame and focus on solutions for the duration of the holiday.”
“Group holidays test relationships,” she admits. “But with preparation and empathy, they can also strengthen them.”
So before you agree over a drunken dinner with your friends to spend a month abroad together, think about how compatible you really are. Liking the same wine isn’t enough reason to enjoy each other’s company for a fortnight.
*Some names have been changed