Verity Johnson: These awkward scenarios are too common

Part of the recovery process from such cripplingly awkward moments is realising that everyone has equally un-smooth moments. Photo / iStock

My most embarrassing moment ever happened on Skype. I was skyping an acquaintance when my friend burst into my room and began to mime enthusiastically. I initially thought she was saying that there had been another flood in the bathroom. (My heart plummeted at the prospect of another night poking a coat hanger into the plughole.) Then I realised that she was miming giving birth.

My heart actually leaped; we had been waiting to hear when our mutual friend would give birth. "That's so exciting!" I squealed. Unfortunately, I was still on Skype. And even more unfortunately, the lady I was talking to had just said that her partner had died of cancer.

It wasn't my smoothest moment. But part of the recovery process from such cripplingly awkward moments is realising that everyone has equally un-smooth moments. So we're going to play a game. I'm going to describe some common awkward scenarios, and you put your hand up when they've happened to you. Ready?

Situation 1: You're in the supermarket, once again wrestling with the eternal yoghurt dilemma - whether to buy one large pot (cheaper) or the set of six small pots (convenient) or do you sink to the floor, sobbing over the complexity of dairy-based decisions (constructive). While you're debating, someone walks up to you. They clearly know you and you have no idea who they are. You decide to nod along, while trying to subtly determine if you've slept together.

They leave, you still can't remember, only to wake up at 3am with the sudden realisation and shouting, "It's Becky's vegan ex-boyfriend Jay! How could I forget him! He looks like a stoned frog!"

Situation 2: You meet someone, they go for the hug, you go for the handshake and you end up touching their boob. Or worse, they go for the cheek kiss, you go for the same cheek, and you end up brushing lips. Or, even more embarrassing, they go for the handshake, you go for the hug, and now you feel like an overly enthusiastic, socially incompetent puppy.

Situation 3: You hate Ms I'm-So-Superior-Because-I-Wear-Polo-Ralph-Lauren-In-Pastel-Tones more than you hate jam in the butter. Yet you still become a dribbling, fawning wreck when she is even a tiny bit nice to you. (Look, even if we hate someone, we still want them to like us.)

Situation 4: You call your ex when drunk. You tell them that you love them. You beg them to come back. You say that you've changed. You wake up the next day and think, "Holy Mother of God, how did I ever become an adult? I'm going to handle this with maturity, discretion and stay in bed for the next week."

Situation 5: You have literally no idea what the person's saying. You've asked three times for them to repeat it and you still don't know. So now you just have to nod enthusiastically through the entire conversation and hope they're not talking about a relative dying of cancer.

Situation 6: You bail on an event where you don't know anyone. Totally not because you didn't know anyone ... you had just ... defrosted some chicken for tonight and it was going to go off if you didn't eat it at precisely 8.30pm this evening.

Situation 7: You grew up saying that you would never, ever be as boring as your parents. You would never, ever consider going for a walk a good way to spend an afternoon. You swore that you would never, ever, recommend things like fruit, drinking more water or lavender oil when your child had a crippling medical emergency. Then, lo and behold, a friend you know has tetanus, and you force them to eat 15 oranges.

Situation 8: Someone cute smiles at you on the street, and you start swaggering like Kanye West on acid.

Situation 9: You meet up with someone really cool. Unfortunately you can't think of a thing to say, because you have to pee so badly that your bladder is pressing into your brain.

Situation 10: You've met someone you really like. They're lovely, funny, sensitive, likeable, smart, considerate and always make you tea when you're grumpy ... but you just can't help laughing at the noises they make in bed. They sound like a cow in labour. You know it doesn't matter ... but it kinda does.

So how many did you get? A lot? Yeah. Everyone does. It's part of the way of reassuring ourselves that even if we make social lemons of ourselves, at least other people do too. Unless you're Beyonce.