Donald Trump: What a twit. Attack his hair. (It's a handy way of looking politically engaged without actually understanding his policies. We just know he has the intelligence of a mushroom.)
Engineering: Ah yes! The key to becoming a solid, upstanding member of society. And such an eligible career ... next time you talk to an engineer at a party, pin them down with a canape until you can marry them to your offspring.
Flag: How ugly it is! It looks like a cross between a crayon drawing and a bad tourist information leaflet. You could have done a better job. In fact, you have done better. Bring out the slideshow you prepared earlier.
GoPro: Vital for modern holidays. Who doesn't want to watch three hours of footage of you coughing up snot on a boogie board?
Harbour Bridge Traffic: Engage in a game of who had to get up earliest to beat the traffic (I got up at 6am this morning. Well, I got up at 3am this morning. Well I got up at 3am yesterday morning. Well, I got up at 3am last Monday morning. Well, I never leave work but hang upside down from a cocoon above my desk so that I can beat the traffic every morning.)
Investments: Whenever you're talking about them, be sure to say "asset", "dividend" and "medium-term, high-yield, short black, long jump, long island, long distance, long-lasting matte finish." Mmmm. Business-y.
John Key: That guy who is Richie McCaw's mate, right? Did someone say Richie? Let us have a moment of silence for our glorious leader.
Korean BBQ: The new yum cha. Mention how you really love Bulgogi beef. Stop the conversation then, before you are forced to name any other dishes.
Law degrees: Your child's future. Otherwise they will end up unemployed and chewing plastic bottles under a bridge.
Max Key: What gaucheness! What arrogance! What an ostentatious display of wealth! Now, where is your branded activewear ...?
Nike: Here it is. When wearing it, stress that you're not one of those twits who wears activewear when not exercising. You're actually going to the gym. Well, you actually intend to go to the gym. Well, you actually intend to work out your thumbs by playing Candy Crush on your phone.
Oamaru: the next place to be hit by Auckland's expanding suburban sprawl. Buy while you can still afford it!
Property prices: God, they're terrible! Awful! Catastrophic! You could buy a South American government for the price of a two-bedroom in Grey Lynn.
Quinoa: The solution to all modern problems including harbour bridge traffic, erectile disfunction and the Global Financial Crisis. Have they suggested using quinoa (pronounced keen-waa) to cure the housing price crisis?
Richie McCaw: God. Messiah. Visionary. Let us again have a moment of silence for our glorious leader.
Salted Caramel: Must be adored. The Richie McCaw of the culinary scene. Did someone mention Richie ...?
The Luminaries: Excellent coffee table decoration. Shows everyone how cultured you are.
Uber: A wonderful app for all the on-the-go professionals! (As long as they're located within two blocks of Queen St. Because anywhere else, you've got more chance of catching a ride on a passing camel.)
The Viaduct: Where, sorry? Does that exist any more? Britomart is where it's at ...
PwC: Where you want your child to work in 15 years' time. Nod enthusiastically whenever you talk to someone from there. Mention how your yet unborn child has a real passion for accounting, finance and community change ... It's never too early to network!
X: That new cafe in Ponsonby where they serve yoghurt off the backs of whales, inside a warehouse, inside a giant rubber duck. Do you know it? No? Well, you wouldn't, would you?
Ya Yas: Dicks. (How do you join?)
Zomato: App for swotting up on all the restaurants in Ponsonby that you are never going to go to - but need to name-drop.
- Canvas
