Verity Johnson: My A-Z guide to modern dating

This dating guide should prepare all singles for the pitfalls of the modern dating scene. Photo / iStock.

If you'd walked into a certain bar's toilets last night, you would have found me shouting insults in Russian into my cellphone. I'd been stood up. I handled it like a mature adult. I called my girlfriend and got her to google "Most Offensive Insults in Russian" for me to use next time I saw him. I realised afterwards that I needed a slightly more sophisticated response for the next time it happened. So here is my A-Z guide to dating, to prepare all singles for the pitfalls of the modern dating scene.

Accidentally sharing your ex's photo on Facebook while you were Facebook stalking them: Dear God. You may as well have publically declared your enthusiasm for collecting Furbies. I'm sorry, there's nothing left to live for.

Brunch date: Means they're either a keeper or a hipster. You'll know which if small potted plants start breeding in your bathroom.

Can I get your last name? "It's, uh, for my contacts ..." If we have their last name, we will Facebook stalk them. And make complex character insights based on their fashion choices. If it's white towelling socks, then call it off right now.

Dirty talk: We know it's in vogue, but shall we just admit that we can't do it? We have no inventive suggestions for root vegetables. Can we just watch Netflix?

Exes. Hands up if you still follow them ... just to see how hot their new partner is?

Facebook official: The only phrase that gives some indicator of the seriousness of the relationship. We don't care if you've been married for 25 years and have built up a family business hand-rearing pandas together. It's not official until it's Facebook official.

Gods (as in Ancient Greek gods): At some point in the last decade, knowing your gods became the most popular way for a cultured man to impress a woman. This, and knowing the Myers Briggs test, spells out that you're a cultured dude faster than you can say "mon cheri".

How do you actually meet people these days? The same as ever. Talk to people. Or get a lasso.

I have a boyfriend, sorry: What we say when we're not interested but know you won't take our word for it. Because this is a post-sexist society, you know.
Just because you saw it online does not mean I'm doing that: No, seriously. That's disgusting.

(I)kea fantasies: The new wedding day fantasies. You don't want marriage. You want seven different types of jewel tone jars for keeping pasta in.

Lesbian stories: Coming in top at the list of "bizarre and potentially questionable stuff that we say anyway to impress men", lesbian stories are modern flirty conversation starters. It's a way of saying, "I'm cool, modern and pleasantly open-minded. Like Sweden, only without the aptitude for making flat-pack tables."

Meeting the parents: This has become largely irrelevant because Auckland's property market has made living independently so expensive that it's cheaper to topple a small African nation's political regime. As such, couples and parents have been living together since before they were in the womb.

Now, am I allowed to enjoy this as a feminist? The recurring question for modern women whenever something potentially hot but potentially sexist happens.

Online dating is okay now, right? Yes. Who knows how to meet people in real life anyway? This isn't a Taylor Swift video.

Post-coital LinkedIn request: No more sneaky after-sex smokes. For the modern health and career conscious lover, the LinkedIn follow is the new Lucky Strike. (It also comes in the slightly rarer form of a Twitter follow.) Either way, having lived through the GFC, we know the value of networking. It's time to bring a new meaning to "press the flesh".

Quinoa parties: The modern version of what used to be the phase in relationships when you start doing DIY together. Welcome. Let us discuss cacao nibs.

Roll-ups: Does he roll up his jeans? Is he over 35? If so, run away. Nothing says mid-life crisis more than this. It's the new, post-GFC equivalent of buying a Porsche.

Strip clubs: Are a modern date-night option. If it comes off, you're super cool and progressive. If it's awkward, it's really, really awkward. You may as well have brought your pet garden gnome on the date.

Tinder: For 18-year-olds and ironic purposes only.

Um, what does "let's keep it casual" mean? "Let's just sleep together because I'm not mature enough to know what I want."

Virginity: A social construct: If you haven't had sex, that's fine. If you have, that's fine too. It really does not matter.

When in the relationship do you sleep with them? Whenever you want. No shame. Though not in the middle of a dinner out.

X(ox): What does that mean? How many do you put? Is there etiquette for this? As confusing as it may be, it's largely irrelevant. This may be 2015 but things haven't changed that much. If they like you, you'll know. You don't need Xs to tell you that.

You're paying right? Ah. You're reaching for your wallet, the other person's reaching for their wallet and the waiter's hovering in the middle like a confused seagull. Let's face it, if it's the first date, then the girl is expected to offer and the guy is expected to pay. Avoid the whole charade by either buying alternate rounds of drinks or running, shrieking, from the restaurant at the sight of the bill.

Zero likes on a Facebook profile photo. You're not judging but ...