Verity Johnson: How to say no

You need an acceptable reason why you don't want to have sex with a man. And "sorry, I'm not interested" is not acceptable. Photo / iStock

My year four mixed netball team contained a boy who looked like a hedgehog. Once, after a particularly vicious loss against the neighbouring school, the spikey mammal and I had a fight. I had been sulking at the defeat, he called me uptight, I pointed out his resemblance to road kill and then we bit each other.

That was the first, but definitely not the last, time I was called uptight. It happened as recently as last week. Desperate for the bathroom, I had to shoulder my way rather frantically through a crowded bar.

One man mistook my enthusiasm in pressing past him as a sign of interest. I tried to express, as firmly as you can with a full bladder, that I had to get past. "Don't go," he said. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Aha. The Question. There are a few correct ways to respond to this. None of them involve telling the truth. Unfortunately, with my bladder pressing into my brain, I couldn't remember any of them, so I had to.

"No," I said. He looked pleased. "Excuse me," I said, again trying to get past.

"What, don't leave?" he said, looking less pleased.

More worried by an impending puddle than a few bruises, I dug in an elbow and barged past. But not before I had heard the immortal epithet, "Uptight bitch."

I knew that I should've said I had a boyfriend. It's the very first thing you learn about turning down men. If you're not interested, say you're not single.

When I say that, many people always say, "Well, that's dumb, you should just tell the truth and leave." And while I understand the principle behind that statement, it's not very useful in practice.

You need an acceptable reason why you don't want to have sex with a man. And "sorry, I'm not interested" is not acceptable.

If you do say it, then two things can happen. First, the guy doesn't stop pestering you. This can go on for rather a long time. And unless you walk off, or get dragged off by a friend, then you'll remain stuck in the conversation. Eventually, being battered by relentless energy, you panic and give them your number to make them go away.

Second, if you've got guts, then you just shove them out the way and walk off. But this is very difficult. It always takes nerve to say something or do something that would offend another person. Let alone someone who is larger and more intimidating than you are. Couple that with a natural desire to please, and an overriding fear of making a scene, and it's incredibly difficult for young women to do.

Even if you manage it, you still get called uptight. And when faced with the prospect of this long, painful road to unsophisticated abuse, it's very tempting to lie.

Having to say you have a boyfriend is just about the only reason that men will accept for you not being interested. Well, it was until recently.

Over the last few months, whenever I've lied that I have a boyfriend, guys have been increasingly suspicious. They've rolled their eyes and ignored the statement. Some of them quiz me as to my boyfriend's name, age, and ethnicity. And even after I've provided hypothetical Vladimir's full dental records and time of birth, they're still sceptical. They often carry on in the assumption that I'm lying and eventually will give in.

I can't say I'm surprised. It could only last for so long. If every woman is saying this to every man who she's uninterested in, then guys are going to start smelling a Russian rat. It doesn't add up. There are too many hypothetical boyfriends. (It might also be slightly suspicious if the "taken" women are later spotted wrapped around someone more attractive.)

So where does that leave us? We're in a double bind.

We can't say that we're uninterested because it doesn't do anything. And we can't say that we have a boyfriend because it increasingly doesn't do anything. And we don't have a lot of other solutions. Unless you have a male friend who doesn't mind pashing you on cue, then your only other resort is just to give them a fake number and hope you never see each other again.

We're running out of options on how to respond. But the question is how, in 2015, are we still putting women in this situation? If we have regularly have to lie to feel safe, then there's something wrong.

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