The biggest barrier to finding love in old age is ageism, says an Otago University expert. Photo / Getty Images
The biggest barrier to finding love in old age is ageism, says an Otago University expert. Photo / Getty Images
Valentine's Day is for celebrating love, but the older people among us are often left out, an expert says.
Professor emeritus at Otago University Amanda Barusch says the elderly face several challenges when it comes to relationships. From handling the concerns of your adult children to overcoming the realities ofour ageist society, Barusch has shared her tips with the Herald for Valentine's Day.
"An older woman getting ready to go out on a date looks at herself in the mirror and focuses on stomach fat, wrinkles and grey hair, missing her sparkling eyes, her bright smile, and her impeccable taste. Likewise, an older man might obsess on his sparse hair and forget all about his great sense of humour. It's hard to drum up confidence when you're beating yourself up.
"It's even harder when your family and friends are – for reasons of their own – uncomfortable with your romantic goals. Of course they all want the best for you. They just don't want you to get hurt. There's not a lot of support for leaping into the unknown."
It can be hard for older people to open up to a new partner. Photo / Getty Images
Finding a romantic partner
Barusch says people looking for love in their twilight years often have difficulty finding a romantic partner, especially in today's world of online dating.
"The internet is like a foreign country for many, so online resources either aren't available or may involve a big learning curve. The people who usually help with technology (grandchildren) may not be comfortable setting up their dating profiles. Apart from that, when you've been in a couple for most of your life it's hard to know where to go to meet people. There aren't many singles bars that cater to older adults."
Then there's dealing with ageing bodies.
"Sex is different in later life. Men may find that it's hard to achieve a full erection. Ejaculation may be less common and even less enjoyable. Women who haven't had sex for a while may experience vaginal atrophy, which causes discomfort during intercourse. These and related physical changes call on older adults to take creative approaches to physical intimacy," she says.
"Preventing sexually transmitted diseases is another logistical challenge for those who met their long-term partners before the HIV-AIDS epidemic."
Emotional challenges
For those who have lost a life partner already, it can be terrifying to open up to someone new, says Barusch.
"Some people also fear that they might be signing up for a new round of caregiving responsibilities. Dealing with insecurity and fear can be quite challenging," she says.
Your own kids
The judgements of others can pose challenges, and it can come from those closest to us, says Barusch.
"Friends and family may just want you to be safe and sometimes passion requires huge emotional vulnerability and risk.
"Your own adult children may be holding you back from finding love. They 'just want to protect mum' from being hurt because they can't imagine their mother in a passionate embrace with anyone not their father."
Your friends
Peer pressure can affect even the oldest and wisest among us, she says.
"[Like] friends who claim, 'Sex? Don't you think we should be over that at our age?' Then there are the multiple subtle messages from media that tell us older adults aren't vital and attractive.
"So I'd say the greatest challenge for us is getting over the ageist messages that tell us love isn't 'appropriate' at our age."
Overcoming the challenges
The first step to overcoming these challenges is to call out ageism, says Barusch.
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